Here’s another post fresh from the Sarcastic Gamer Community Blogs, this time from PillowFort. If you fancy getting onto the front page of Sarcastic Gamer, head on over to the forums, sign up for an account and get writing in your own personal blog. If it’s funny, written well enough, or just plain awesome, it might end up right here. Good job, PillowFort!
Given that there aren’t new releases until late August (Castle Crashers) or even later September (Force, Fallout) I’ve decided to approach creation of these posts a little differently and have them be not so much about current events, but take a more Dickensian route (and by that I mean the ghosts of Christmas past and future, not poverty, exploitation and subtle Anti-Semitism).
So! Today I think we’ll have a cheeky bit of a look at the future of games, or more accurately my own vision of the future of games and not necessarily the “real” vision of the future of games because we already know how that goes (Protip: Gritty grey and brown realism with lightbloom effects).
LONO! THIS IS NOT READY! STILL PLAYING WITH THE IDEA! DO NOT PUBLISH!
Most of the United States celebrated the arrival of Halo 3, with midnight launch parties held at literally hundreds of retailers. But for the residents of Hooper, Nebraska (population 47) things could not have gone worse. At the end of this party, the only thing anyone went home with, was death and sorrow.
“At first we thought it was some sort of publicity stunt,” said mayor Newt Justice. “We was all lined up outside Walmart, just before midnight, which we didn’t really have to do, since it’s open 24 hours, but anyways, all the sudden we saw this guy roll up in this purple thing.”
Eyewitnesses say the crowd actually began to move towards the man and the machine, until he drew his weapon.
“I just remember he had this head kinda like a bug and a voice like…. like …. Like James Earl Jones or something. He called himself ‘the carpenter’ or something. Then he cut Bobby Taylor clean in half!” said eyewitness, Clarence Beasley.
Georgia Watson, 52, was also present with her son. “The last thing I heard him say was LOOK mom he’s got a needler! How cool is that? Then…. these purple things came flying towards us, and he was…. gone.”
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If you have been keeping up with the piracy/anti-piracy scene, you’ll know a little company called MediaDefender has been working to infiltrate P2P websites. In the past they have been involved in altering file content, creating fake files to bust downloaders, and even setting up a fake P2P website to do the same.
But now, revenge is sweet. Several months of their internal corporate emails have been leaked to the web, exposing every last juicy detail about their shady practices.
You can find the mailbox file at pretty much every public tracker, but TorrentFreak has dissected and highlighted some of the more interesting emails that have been found so far.
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Today Microsoft presents its response to the Wii fit. Microsoft’s Xbox Live Arcade will proudly present Konami’s 1983 smash hit, Track and Field. Why spend a load of money on a Wii Fit when you can buy Track and Field for only $4 on XBLA.
While you can’t rock back and forth on a plastic scale, Track and Field will ensure carpal tunnel syndrome as you tap, tap, tap away on the A and X button to run your 8bit athlete in a variety of track and field events. Just as the Wii the graphics are far lower than today’s standards, Track and Field offers the original crappy Nintendo graphics or even an HD version of those crappy Nintendo graphics.
There is also a four player multiplayer. Now, you and three friends, can give each other’s fingers a work out from the comfort of your home. What sounds better? Wii Fit with all that leaning or Track and Field, with swollen wrist joints? You decide.
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Great news guys! World of Warcraft just hit the milestone everyone was waiting for! Blizzard now has nine million subscribing accounts, meaning nine million people are handing over $14.95 a month to:
Left click
Right click
Hold the W key
Avoid loved ones
Have cyber-sex with dwarves
Procrastinate attending dead-end jobs
Not have money to pay their parents for rent
Meet people from foreign lands such as Ohio and Canada
Sit
You know what else $14.95 a month can pay for? Some decent porn sites. Then again, I don’t think the subscription fee is stopping any hairy-knuckled WoW gamer from alt-tabbing to AnalCreamPies.com between raids.
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Mark Saltsburg of Newark, NJ has suffered from a rare muscle spasm disorder called “Burbury’s Syndrome” that has been a real handicap in his life. At least it was a handicap until yesterday.
Saltsburg was playing a marathon session of Paper Mario on his Nintendo Wii, when out of nowhere, he was hit with full-body muscle spasms that rival a Grand Mal Seizure.
“I was just sitting there, trying to beat the game when it happened. My whole body just started spasming,” said Saltsburg. “I was alone on my couch, with no one around. It was really scary.”
It wasn’t until a few minutes later, when his tongue had safely cleared his airway, when Mark realized that something miraculous had happened.
“I looked up and realized that the whole time I was spasming, I was clutching my motion-sensitive Wii-mote. On the screen, it said ‘Congratulations! You’ve unlocked ROCK Mario Bonus Content, and I just freaked out… which caused another spasm.”
After another half-hour of uncontrollable twitching and shaking, Saltsburg once again found he had unlocked even more hidden game material. This time, SCISSORS Mario.
Saltsburg went on to say that he plans to come completely off his medication to see if he can unlock HD capability or maybe an online mode.
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AUSTIN, TX - Craig Stallworth, 23, is sitting in a jail cell after an alleged murder attempt on an eight year old girl. Stallworth has been accused of stabbing young Renee Williams with a Nintendo Wiimote, supposedly in a consuming game of Red Steel.
“This is such a horrible situation,” Stallworth said, “it’s like a nightmare come true. There’s no room to play my Wii in this tiny cell.”
Williams, who is Stallworth’s niece, was sitting cheerfully on the ground doing a Sudoku puzzle when the incident happened.
“I was writing a number down on my paper, and all of a sudden my tummy starts hurting real bad.” she explained to Sarcastic Gamer.
She looked down and saw the Wiimote’s gleaming power level LEDs through the massive amount of blood pouring onto her Dora the Explorer-branded blouse. She was rushed to the local hospital, where the device was surgically removed. Williams is said to be in fair condition, but anxious to get out of bed.
“I’m gonna f!%# that motherf!%#er up when I’m out. I’m gonna go Far Cry on his ass, only I won’t be using a controller.” said the girl.
Doctors completed the operation without charge, in exchange for the blood-stained Wiimote.
“We needed another controller for two-player Second Opinion.” they elaborated.
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The box art for The Orange Box by Valve Software, containing HL2: Episode 2, Team Fortress 2, and Portal, has been revealed. Now we can all breathe.
I sure am glad I plan on buying this over Steam. This cover is so ugly, it would scare my other games to the opposite side of the shelf. Gordon looks emotionally broken down. Almost like he’s ready to cut “Alyx” into his wrist with the crowbar, if it weren’t for that pesky hazard suit.
The game is set to be released on October 9th (mid-February translated to Valve time). Portal will be the best, just for the fact that you can get trapped in an infinite loop.
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After about a year of playing new games coming out with new-fangled graphics engines, I finally made it to the optometrist today. I asked him if my vision was going bad, because my eyes were just not seeing the bloom and blur effects in my everyday life. On the computer, they seem to work just fine. But whenever I close out my window of Oblivion, S.T.A.L.K.E.R. or Rainbow Six 3: Vegas, everything just looks so…normal.
Light sources aren’t illuminating all the air particles around them. People and other objects look sharp and focused. Life just doesn’t seem to have that constant acid trip feel to it.
According to him, this is a very serious disease known as Reality Syndrome. It’s not fatal, but it will cause dry mouth, constipation, and disillusionment. Luckily, there is a cure!
The High Dynamic Range (HDR) Helmet
Now see what God really meant for you to see! Explore the world with new bloom lighting effects. Take to the streets this stylish headgear and brag to your friends about your superior implanted graphics card. That’s not a smudge on your goggles; it’s real-time blur effects!
WARNING: MAY CAUSE SEVERE FRAME RATE DETERIORATIONWant to comment on this story? Head over to our FORUMS and sound off!
Peter Moore announced today that Microsoft has selectively extended their Xbox 360 warranty out to 3 years for folks dealing with the seemingly insolvable problem of the Red Ring of Death. This is great news and all, but wouldn’t it have been better to, you know, keep them from breaking in the first place. This is not a fix, this is a reaction. Honestly? It’s a good reaction, they need to belly up to the table and own this problem. It’s real. And consumers shouldn’t have to pay a DIME for their troubles. In fact, I’d love to see some sort of standard “peace offering” like 800 MS points be given to each person that has to turn in a dead 360 for repairs. Above and beyond, Microsoft, that’s the only way to keep the stink off. Go above and beyond. Personally, I’m waiting for the 3-yr Disc Read Error warranty extension as that’s where I’ve had most of my problems…
I’m starting to think the music game bubble’s already popped. I initially thought Guitar Hero was a pretty stupid idea… that is until I actually played it at a friend’s house. There may have been some “liquid assistance” getting past the absurdity of playing a 3/4 size plastic guitar in front of others… but I did it, and was instantly hooked. When Guitar Hero II came out, I was there again and couldn’t remember having that much fun on my PS2 in a long time. I even bought the full version with a 2nd guitar so I’d have a full multiplayer setup. Hell, I even fell for the lamely implemented Guitar Hero II for the Xbox 360. I say lamely because I bought it on the promise of someone finally doing Downloadable Content right. More like “Yeah, right”. Guitar Hero II for the Xbox 360 has really soured me on the franchise and as a probably unfair side-effect, the music game genre altogether. We’ve received ONE BATCH of DLC comprised of three song packs each containing three oddly bundled songs that were previously available for Guitar Hero on the PS2. So in other words, for a true Guitar Hero devotee, we got jack. And I’m starting to doubt we’ll ever see any decent downloadable songs for Guitar Hero II. But hey, we got online leaderboards! We now “officially” know how much we suck.
Enter “Rock Band”. The red-headed stepchild of Guitar Hero. Technically it’s related, but that relationship seems pretty unwanted. Rumors of $199 “full meal deal” Rock Band packages have set off those same alarm bells that the Guitar Hero and Guitar Hero II for the 360 did before. Why should I pay that much money for these specialized controllers that may only be used for one or two games? Should I be excited for Rock Band? This footage sure doesn’t do anything for me. If anything, the “atmosphere” of the game has been replaced by an entirely “functional” interface with notes flying everywhere. Maybe if I and three friends had a strong desire to cram into a small space, play fake instruments and sing… but that doesn’t really describe me or my friends. Check out this footage and let me know in the forums what you think.
EDIT: I updated the (apparently nuked) video link. If they nuke this one, we’ll all have to imagine it…
