As you might be aware, today is a bit special. In a huge underground bunker straddling the France-Switzerland border, a bunch of super-intelligent scientists are preparing to turn on the Large Hadron Collider atom-smasher. This huge machine will propel minuscule molecules around a 17km loop and make them crash into each other, causing reactions that, through a bunch of gobbledygook I should have listened to in school, may or may not rewrite the laws of physics.
However, there’s a bunch of scaremongers out there (that’d be London’s Daily Mail ) that claim that the world will be sucked into a giant black hole and that everybody will die and the seas will boil and that Satan will emerge and rule the world.
This year looks to be a pretty busy year for gaming, with loads of sequels to big name franchises like: Metal Gear Solid 4, GTA4 and Fallout 3. These titles will be great, but which will win the Game of the Year for 2008? To find out, I dusted off the Official SarcasticGamer.com Crystal Ball™ and asked it what the GOTY 2008 was going to be. Inside its clouded interior, I found a hidden gem that I would not have expected…
Over the last couple of days I’ve been playing the heck out of Army of Two. It’s mindless shoot ‘em up fun. No harm there, right? Admittedly, the game has stupid dialogue and 12 year old “frat guy” antics that make war out to be some kind of action hero power fantasy. Hmmm… Power fantasy, with two men… in leather…. with bedazzled guns, who go shopping after every mission???
WTF? These guys are…Gay!?!? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
WARNING: This contains a hyperlink to a video that you may find quite upsetting. If you are bothered by the sight of a grown man tossing a helpless puppy off of a cliff, then congratulations, you have a heart. To avoid seeing the video, just stick to the article itself, and do not click any links.
In an effort to capitalize on the booming internet-stardom of David Motari, the US serviceman seen throwing a live puppy off of a cliff somewhere in Iraq, Sicko-Bastard Games announced today that it has secured the rights to David Motari’s Puppy Toss Bonanza for the PC. (more…)
During my short blogging career, I’ve come to terms with the “Fanboys.” They’re ferverent support of their favorite game/platform/unrealistic ideal is the backbone of the video game industry. Mostly, I just use them for my own delight by tormenting them with this platform called Sarcastic Gamer. Over time, I’ve noticed that only certain games generate fanboyism, while others do not. Let’s talk about who these fanboys are, so you can learn to spot them in the wild. (more…)
A Sarcastic Gamer satirical look at the GameSpotGate controversy.
Gamers from around the world stormed the offices of Cnet’s Gamespot today, setting fires and destroying everything in sight. The small contigent of police on hand to maintain order were simply overrun by the sheer number of angry nerds.
“At first it was like one guy with a sign,” said Gerald Fulton, one of the officers dispatched to try and defuse the situation. “But within an hour there were thousands of them. They were chanting Gerstmann, Gerstmann, Gerstmann. Then in an instant, they began to stampede.”
Within minutes, smoke began to rise from the Gamespot offices, and the sound of breaking glass filled the streets. Looters were seen leaving the scene with hundreds of copies of Kane & Lynch: Dead Men.
“We would have tried to stop them, but it’s not like they were taking anything valuable,” said Fulton. “We were most concerned about the fire spreading from the Gamespot offices to the adjacent landfill. There are rare birds that inhabit that area, and it would have been a real shame if any of their habitat were to be damaged.”
We’re counting the minutes until the morality police kick down our door for this song about “He Who Shall Not Be Named.”
Until that happens, and we’re hauled away kicking and screaming, you can hear the latest Sarcastic Gamer parody song, “Hey Mr. Thompson” on the latest episode of our podcast (Episode 15).
This is a special present to our podcast listeners, who’ve been screaming for a Jack Thompson song since we started. Order up
For those who have absolutely no idea who Jack is, here’s a link to his Wikipedia page. It’s quite an interesting read. The video for the song, plus a standalone download will be available soon, unless the unthinkable happens.
Not content with cornering the ornate gamer-picture, pumpkin carving market, Kotaku will run a special Ice Sculpture featurette during the first week of December. They plan to expand the world of competitve sculpturing with hope that hardcore sculptors, or “sculps” as they like to call themsleves, can bring their craft to a year round, or more “casual” audience.
This was sent to my inbox yesterday. It’s a SG Forum post by sLiM2269 and it’s freakin hysterical. Here it is, unedited and in it’s entirety:
Gaming pick up lines?!?!
I had an incident at a local watering hole recently that I think deserves an article. My friend, let’s call him Mike, and I were at an establishment enjoying a few frosty beverages when we got onto the subject of gaming. He unfortunately he is a WoW gamer, I know a very big disappointment to me as well as his parents, and starting talking about epic mounts, drop rates in pants, god knows what he was talking about. We began talking about that and his voice started to rise and due to the popularity of this particular establishment, the chatter of other patrons was getting louder and he had to compensate for it. So a few minutes of conversing about WoW he noticed the bartender started to head over and all the sudden he dropped his voice down to almost a whisper and started talking about a subject that wasn’t even related to our previous conversation, WoW. That whole story led up to this Epic question what other Gaming pick-up lines could there be. I have found a few and wanted your input on maybe some other games, besides WoW, that could have these funny types of pick-up lines. Enjoy!! (more…)
In yet another round of litigious angst, gaming opponent and sue-happy attorney Jack Thompson, has filed a lawsuit against Valve, claiming that the “Orange Box” misleads parents and endangers children. I caught up with Thompson via telephone, earlier today.
The so-called “Orange Box” is so generic and unassuming, that it masks the violence and filth that lies beneath. Parents might mistake it for a children’s game. I mean it looks like MS Word. What we are seeking is an injunction against Valve, a full recall, and a package that isn’t so….. damned boring.
Thompson went on to tell me, that if I didn’t like it, I could “go perform an anatomically impossible task upon myself.” Our Sarcastic Gamer attorneys have been placed on high alert.
If the tension in the gaming community got any thicker, we’d all be breathing Porterhouse steaks. We’re almost within 10 days of the release of Beautiful Katamari for the Xbox 360. Personally, it’s getting hard to concentrate on anything anymore. Yesterday, I made a tape ball and rolled up all of the pens and paper clips on my desk. My wife says I’m very 2D lately. The kids are getting sick of playing “Steamroller.”
A fellow member of the “Katamari Nation” told me that CNN was doing a story about video games last night. I tuned in, because I was sure that they would show some exclusive new footage of BK, or an expose’ on the brilliant games being developed at Namco Bandai. Sadly, it was some lame filler piece about Halo 3 and how it has sold more copies than anything else in … blah blah blah.
Halo fans all over the world are going to get a real wakeup call on October 15th, when Beautiful Katamari descends upon us all. Who in their right mind is going to be flying Hornet VTOL’s and designing their own exciting levels in the Forge, when instead they could be rolling a ball through more than 5 different 2D environments with good sound.
I went into Gamestop last night to check on my pre-order. I just wanted to make sure they didn’t lose it. The jerk behind the counter acted like I was from outer space.
“For the 5th time, YES! We have your preorder, paid in full,” he practically shouted at me. I thought maybe he was just having a bad day, so I let that slide. “Besides, nobody else is ordering the game, so you really didn’t have to pre-order at all.”
That did it. I lit into him like Lindsay Lohan in a room full of heroin. I informed him that he was obviously not following gaming at all. I also told him that many Beautiful Katamari fans are out with a cold, and will be in to pre-order their copies as soon as they feel better.
Then I caught him in a lie. “Is there a collector’s edition of the game, or any special bundle?” I asked.
“No dude. It’s just a game,” he replied.
“Are you sure there isn’t a bundle or something? Maybe a nice tin with a ball in it?” I pressed him like I was starring in “The Closer.” He cracked.
“No man… Oh yeah I forgot. There’s the DOUBLE edition, where you get two copies of the game,” he admitted. Why was he hiding this from me?
“How much?” I asked.
“It’s only 40 bucks more,” he answered.
So needless to say I pre-ordered the double edition of Beautiful Katamari, and left Gamestop feeling victorious. I just don’t get these people that continue to try and deny the impact that Beautiful Katamari is going to have on gaming! I mean, what the hell? Do you know of any OTHER gaming franchises that give you so much ball rolling in one title? No.
—–EDIT: The bastard at Gamestop just called. As it turns out he was not being honest with me about the Beautiful Katamari:Double Edition. Frickin jerk. Turns out it’s actually a TRIPLE edition. I told the little punk that I’d be by the store after work to drop off another 40 bucks. The nerve of some people.
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Not content with cornering the ornate gamer-picture, pumpkin carving market, Kotaku will run a special Ice Sculpture featurette during the first week of December. They plan to expand the world of competitve sculpturing with hope that hardcore sculptors, or “sculps” as they like to call themsleves, can bring their craft to a year round, or more “casual” audience. 
