Admit it. When you heard about the recent week-long PSN outage (that’s how long it lasted, right?), you reflected on the ridiculously high rate at which Xbox 360s spontaneously stop working and read about the inane, childish bickering at Infinity Ward, you had one thought and one thought only: GET ME A WII NOW!
Though the Wii has long been derided as the black sheep of this generation of consoles, it is becoming clearer with each passing year that Nintendo is the only company that actually cares if its customers enjoy the time they spend playing video games. Microsoft just wants you to enter your credit card number one more time, and Sony is out to forcibly sodomize all of your pets.
How many stories have you read about the Wii’s dreaded “Pink light of failure”? The answer is none, because they’re no such thing as the dreaded “Pink light of failure.” I just made it up. See how easy that was?
Also, the Wii doesn’t break. That’s why there’s no cute name for its failure. It doesn’t fail. It is built with such love and care by the good folks at Nintendo that it is literally unbreakable, like Bruce Willis in that movie “Unbreakable.” When you put Super Mario Galaxy into your Wii, you don’t have to perform a series of strange rituals to the unseen god of video games in the hope that you will actually get to play the game. You just play it.
Another impressive, yet often ignored, aspect of the Wii is the way in which Nintendo’s system immerses you in their games. What is more immersive than motion control gaming? You are literally performing actions that are perfectly mimicked by the characters on screen. You aren’t going to see that on any other system.
You know what else is supposed to immerse you in video games? Cut scenes. Cut scenes, however, are a terrible plague upon the gaming industry. You sit and watch a pre-rendered clip. Occasionally they throw you a quick-time-event-bone, but it’s always disgusting and you get the feeling that another dog has already chewed on it before you. How is that immersive?
If I wanted to watch pre-rendered CGI clips, I’d go see Avatar or get a Pixar film off of Netflix. That way, the voice acting, writing, and graphics would actually be good, and not just an unnecessary interruption of an interactive medium. You can’t possibly tell me that the endless cut scenes in MGS4 made you feel more a part of the game than when you bowled a strike on Wii sports. I guess you can tell me that, but you’re lying to me and making baby Jesus angry.
If none of this has convinced you (how you could remain unconvinced at this point is a mystery), remember that resisting the Wii is a fruitless and futile action. Last year, the Wii sold 9.6 million units in America, which was more than the combined sales of the Xbox 360 and the PS3. That’s ridiculous.
Every year is supposedly “The Year of the PS3,” yet it never happens, just like all of those end-of-the-world prophecies. How many times have those been right? Zero times, that’s how many times.
You may attempt (pointlessly) to argue that the Wii is slowing down, and that’s it’s just a passing fad. The Wii sold 3.8 million units in December in the U.S., which set a new record for single-month sales. That’s slowing down? Interestingly this was also the first month EVER that the PS3 sold more than 1 million units. Isn’t that adorable?
Many of us grew up with Nintendo as the leader of gaming excellence. And guess what? That time has returned. They still consistently deliver fun games, and their console actually works when it’s supposed to! Think about this while you wander the lonely corridors of Sony’s “Home,” or wait for your Xbox 360 to return from Microsoft’s repair center – yet again.
Author’s Note: In the spirit of full-disclosure, I should mention that I gave my Nintendo Wii to my sister because I never, ever used it.
Look, we worked on this one as fast as we could, but sadly, SONY managed to UNbrick 80% of the world’s Playstation 3’s before we could release this catchy little parody of Ben Folds Five’s “Brick”. Rather than let it go to waste we’re running with it… Probably smack into a wall.
Editor’s note: I received this in my email inbox today from faithful reader Odwalla. I thought it was hilarious and I hope you do too!
From: Shepard, Commander
To: <alias>Normandy – Female Crew
Subject: Want to clear the air before we go through the O4 relay
Ladies:
I am getting increasingly frustrated with the amount of time I am having to spend conversing with each and every one of you in order to make some sort of galactic love connection. I have come to realize that out of all of the qualified females in the galaxy that I have single-handedly crewed this ship with the most mentally unstable, self conscious, stuck up, ignorant, rude, and apathetic ones available. I’d like to take a moment and call out my issues with each of you. While this type of email should probably be kept individual I wanted to cast a light on this for all of us so that you may all see how much stress you are all combining to cause me.
(In no particular order)
Miranda – I guess that the phrase, “No matter how hot she is, someone is sick of her shit” is a truism. I no way am I ungrateful for the work you did leading the team of scientists that put me back together. But, you have worked hard to ensure that every moment since I re-awoke has been a living hell. You are genetically perfect. You wear skin-tight rubber outfits, You, for a while, were acting interested in me. But then, for reasons I can’t begin to fathom, we you went all ice queen because I sided with Jack on some insignificant matter. Jack, really? For all of that engineered superiority you feel threatened by some psycho felon? Maybe your ‘father’ needed to spend some more time on your ego manipulation because you certainly seem to be a misogynistic bitch. There are other women besides you in the universe, deal with it.
Jack – Yes, you’ve been abused, yes your life has been crap. But, for someone who claims to not care about personal relationships why WHY am I the one person you need to ‘think about’? I came to you because of your claims of apathy. I don’t want any sort of long-term relationship with you. Who would? You’re covered in ink, you wear belts as a shirt, and you really need to focus some of your biotic powers on growing yourself a pair, if you understand my meaning. Either put out or shut up. Don’t give me a lot of crap for going all ‘180′ on you when you’ve spent the better part of a solar year down in the basement ‘thinking about us’.
Samara – You’re older that my entire family tree but you wear it quite well. Your outfit must have some amazing underwire technology. I understand your code and your morals….but the reality is we’re probably all going to die. Please reconsider your stance and do ‘pull me to the floor’ the next time you see me, like you said you might have back when you were younger. We’re all getting older so lets all go out with a bang, ok? And, just to be forthcoming, I have cameras all over the ship. You will have to shower at some point and I will finally get to see how anti-gravity those two planets of your really are.
Kelly – Staying up late and talking? That’s it? I’m not running some sort of interstellar sorority house here. If you agree to come to my chambers there is a certain assumed level of participation. And really, I thought ‘feeding my fish’ was a euphemsim for something more interesting. But oh, no, you really meant ‘feed my fish’. My mistake I guess. If you ever want to be more than my secretary, or even if you might want a desk chair at some point in your career, please seriously reconsider your after hours fraternization boundaries.
Dr. Chakwas – Even after sharing an entire bottle of brandy with you I couldn’t bring myself to do it. While I am as horny as any recently dead for two years man could be, there’s just no way. Stop forcing it.
Tali – Exclusivity or nothing? That’s an odd stance from a (assumed) female who lives in an encounter suit that has no visible ‘access ports’. Exactly what will exclusivity get us, other than my increasing unhappiness? I guess it wouldn’t be so bad. When (not if) you got completely annoying I could just clip the wires to your suit’s external speaker and get a few moments of silence. You are an engineer, and guys always want to bang he geek chick. But, again, we’re GOING TO ALL DIE SOON, PROBABLY, and I don’t have any sort of clean room on the ship. I like you a lot but I need to be able to sleep around, at least in the short term.
EDI – The real-time synthesized porn you make for me is a great stop-gap measure, but it’s not really going to help me out long-term. I do thank you for the effort, though. In this alone you have shown more support for your captain than all of the other recipients of this letter combined.
Now the word “sexism” is thrown around a lot these days, but a recent trend has my mangina all a tingling. I want to speak for women around the world. As a man, I want to be the first to say that the concept that Farmville is a game “only played by girls” is both sexist and incorrect.
First of all, let’s think about the realism of the game. For those of you who’ve yet to experience the glory that is the Farmville, let’s just say this: it’s an amazingly addictive farming simulation game on Facebook. It’s a game where you plant things and they grow, it’s a game with animals and fertilizer. It’s game with giant balls. What’s that you say? It’s not a real game? I’ll tell you what’s not a real game: Women’s basketball.
Back to my point, since the game is an ultra-realistic farming simulation (everyone knows that raspberries take four hours to grow and less than one second to harvest), let’s talk about the farmer. You are the farmer, but you’re like a farmer god. What gender do we with usually associate with farmers? If you said “male” then you’re not a pee-on-your-own-face-moron.
So, what could be manlier than owning and operating a farm? That’s some lumberjack level of manliness there. But when I mentioned this to other members of the writing staff, they called me mean names like “YoshiFagina” and Rothbart declared, “I prefer YoshiVag…” I have no idea what that means, but it can’t be good.
As for the game itself, it’s essentially like Harvest Moon, except the NPCs are your friends on Facebook. You interact with your friends by sending them stuff, like cows, and fertilizing their crops. In turn, you get stuff back from them.
When you start exchanging gifts the game gets more interesting, because you gain experience points for nearly everything that you do. As you move up in the farming world, you level goes up and you become a more skilled farmer. This is meaningless, of course, but aren’t all RPGs in this sense? It’s just fun to level up. Admit it.
Check out my next article where I break down the top ten reasons that Bella should be with Jacob, not that prima donna Edward. Because real men know that Jabob is perfect for Bella. There, I said it.
A few months ago, the world was stunned as a series of events that caused the famous golfer’s life to spin out of control. Today, Tiger Woods made a very public apology. During the psuedo-press conference Tiger directly addressed his extramarital dalliances and apologized to his wife and children when he said:
“To my wife and family, I strongly regret my actions. While away in the Terminus systems, I made a series of poor decisions, leading up to an indiscretion with Miranda, my teammate. I regret this decision and apologize for my actions.”
After choking back a tear, Tiger went on to add:
“I also apologize for having angry sex with Jack, it was a one off thing and we agreed never to speak about it again and we haven’t. It’s over between us. For that, to my family. I apologize.”
A stunned audience sat in eerie silence as Tiger gathered his thoughts. After a long pause, Tiger spoke again:
“If I’m coming clean, I mind as well fess up to my teammates that I also killed Samara while we were on Omega. Yeah, that’s not Samara over there, but her daughter Mornith. You guys didn’t notice so, I didn’t say anything. I apologize.
Oh yeah, I also boned Tali, but come on, you’ve got to forgive me on that one. I just wanted to see what she looked like under that mask.”
In a move that surprises no one, Sarcastic Gamer editor Shanghai Six is already pooling together his spare vacation days in an effort to take the entire month of October off for the fall launch of Civilization 5. To get to the bottom of this dereliction of duty, Shanghai Six interviewed his favorite subject: Himself!
“I mean, let’s face it. It wouldn’t be the first time I called off work…ahem…”sick”…for the release of a major title, and with a game as amazing as Civilization 4 was, I might as well just start expecting to lose large chunks of time now,” Shanghai claimed in an interview with himself.
Firaxis Games and gaming developer legend Sid Meier are promising major changes in the upcoming sequel, including a deeper combat system, a community hub which will facilitate online multiplayer games and an in-depth diplomatic options, with plans on releasing the latest installment in the fall.
“Who really needs to stay home on the fourth of July? I can work that day.” Shanghai said to himself in a lonely room. After looking over a calendar with giant red marker he said aloud he questioned, “It’s gonna get tough around PAX West timeframe…I wonder if I get days off for family emergencies? I think my boss will understand.”
Also, Shanghai also advised himself, that, in case he hadn’t heard, Sid Meier is planning on bringing the Civilization name to the Facebook casual gaming audience with the rolling start of the Civilization Network, launching around the same time.
With a optimistic look in his eye Shanghai mused, “My hope is to slowly introduce the Facebook Civilization to my wife to get her off of that stupid Mafia Wars game. Then, over dinner, she and I can discuss in-depth military and diplomatic strategy, as opposed to how many mouse clicks she made that day.”
Author’s note: Thanks to Shanghai Six for interviewing Shanghai Six!
In breaking news, Electronic Arts announced that Mining Hero, based off of the extremely successful RPG/shooter Mass Effect 2, will be coming to Xbox Live arcade for a mere 1600 Microsoft points next week. This comes in response to what the company is calling “massive demand” for an outer space mining simulation.
“We’re really happy with the positive response Mass Effect 2 has received from the gaming community,” said EA CEO John Riccitiello, “and we’ve been particularly surprised and thankful that this particular aspect of the game is getting ‘so much love’ as the kids like to say these days.” Riccitiello added, “Wait until you see what we have in store for the next installment of Madden!”
When asked why this one specific portion of the game was coming to Xbox Live, Riccitiello responded with a hypothetical and offensive case study. “Imagine you are a poor kid growing up in the inner city. Sure, you’ve probably seen the extremely well produced commercials for our smash hit game, Mass Effect 2, but since Game Stop doesn’t take food stamps, you’ll never get to play it. Then imagine that for a paltry 1600 Microsoft points, you could experience the world of Mass Effect without having to buy the entire game. That, my friends, is the beauty of capitalism.”
The head of EA was quick to add that Mining Hero would also be beneficial to those who already own the game. “You can import whatever minerals you find into your Mass Effect 2 game file.” He continued by asking, “You ever feel yourself running short on Element Zero? Well, you’re just 1600 Microsoft points from having more element zero than Yoda has midichlorians.”
Riccitiello scoffed at the idea that this was simply a way for EA to squeeze yet a few more dollars out of the consumer.
“Are you kidding me? In this dreadful economy? No way. In fact, what we’re doing is the exact opposite: we are making content available to the less fortunate. Look, we’re losing money as it is. If anything, we’re doing this for the fans!”
Riccitiello said that we could expect more downloadable content of this kind to arrive on Xbox Live over the next few months. “The special ‘Elusive Man’ game add-on will allow you to play Mass Effect 2 from the perspective of the mysterious leader of the Cerberus Corporation. Sure, all you do is sit in a chair and press ‘X’ to take a drag from your cigarette, but you really get to experience the depth of the Mass Effect universe.” He finally added, “And that new perspective is only going to cost you 1200 Microsoft points, so it will be a must-have add-on for every trueMass Effect fan.”
Welcome back to the 4th article of songs from the crew that brings you the Brown Show! Hrmm…I guess I shouldn’t welcome you back to the 4th article, since you haven’t been here yet, but hey, I’m nice guy so WELCOME BACK!
In this edition of “The Songs of SG Brown” we give you the last 9 songs from the Humpday Update.
It’s my party – A look into the Xbox Live Party system and Infinity Ward’s decision to limit party chat in Modern Warfare 2. (Parody of It’s my Party by some 50’s artist no one remembers)
I’m Sorry – Smelly apologies to a few people that left us some scathing Itunes reviews.
Humpday Rap – Don Marco and the crew welcome us to another HDUD with a little rap.
History of SG Podcasts – DogsDie fills us in on how the SG Podcasts came to where they are today. (Parody of Ob-La-Di by the Beatles)
Hands Down Humpday – Smelly is feeling butt hurt because his hard work is often credited to his similar sounding younger brother. They duke it out in this song. (Parody of Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional)
Fat Bottomed Girls – My personal favorite parody song from the HDUD is this song about Fat Princess on the PSN (Parody of Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen)
Extra Life Acapella – Dogs Die brings us an acapella song commemorating Extra Life
DonMarcoTireRap – Don Marco explains how to change a tire…in a way that ONLY Don Marco can do!
Another Frawlz in the Wall – Frawlz bags on the Slim PS3 (Parody of Another Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd)
Video Game sequels. They’re as ubiquitous as Wal-Marts and stop lights. If one is successful, another will follow it, ad nauseum, until it the company goes out of business (hello Westwood studios), or becomes the butt of every sequel joke (hello Guitar Hero). Shooters are especially prone to “teh Sequel.” For the most part, how could gamers be upset? A sequel to a beloved game is often welcome. The problem is though, every video game sequel is doing the same thing over and over.
Every sequel is the same because:
It will contain a story narrative that attempts to either resurrect the badguy you smoked in the first game, or a hackneyed expansion of the “universe” to an otherwise contained story.
You get a buddy.
You get multiplayer (Hello Uncharted 2 and Bioshock 2!)
A peripheral character that died in the first game will miraculously return.
If you can’t resurrect the UBER-BAD bad guy from the first game, they’ll create an even BIGGER UBER-BAD bad guy that is threatening the UNIVERSE!
The developers will proclaim that the game is part of a trilogy and the sequel is the Empire Strikes Back of the series.
If the sequel has been anointed the “Empire Strikes Back” of the series, it will have a shitty “to be continued” ending.
You can dual wield.
There it is in a nutshell. You see? All sequels are the same.
In honor of Bioshock 2 and because we wouldn’t be Sarcastic Gamer if we didn’t poke a little fun at the things we love, Bioshock will not be spared from our fanboy venom. Our target? Those creepy, but cool, diaries scattered around the rubble. They painted a piece of the picture that the distopian landscape was too ravaged to show. They were like dirty little windows into the macabre life of a tortured carnival of souls.
Just when you thought you’d found them all…we came across a few that you all must have missed. Noobs.
The Lost Diaries
Trevor McGillicutty
The first diary we found was stuffed in a waste bin in Arcadia, near the body of a little sister with what appeared to be chemical burns and blisters on her face. A few feet from the diary was the body of the expired Mr. McGillicutty. He had a maniacal grin frozen on his ashen face. Whatever happened down there, he met his maker with a chuckle on his breath. A man after our own sarcastic hearts.
The second was much more difficult to come by. It was hidden in…Wait! Wut? Uh…What the hell? I can’t believe this! Someone’s auto-hacked this article and stolen the diaries! And…what’s this? It’s some kind of note. Perhaps it holds some clues.
#1 ”Oh, This cologne I’m wearing? It’s called Smug.”
#2: “Joe Pesci cat is not amused.”
#3: “What the heck is this thing I’m giving you? Is it a smurf? A sex toy? Honestly, I can’t tell.”
#4: “If Sir Isaac Newton had been playing a DS, I’m sure he never would have noticed the apple falling from the tree,”
#5: “Have fun in the lava, bitch.”
Hmm…not sure what all that means, but we’ve gotta find those diaries. Use the clues to find the missing diaries.
Would you kindly help us?
Here’s how to enter the contest:
We need you use the clues above to search through Sarcastic Gamer’s articles for January 2010 and find the missing clips. Oh, we’ll make it worth your time. We haven’t got any spare Adam, but we do have a grab bag of unique Bioshock 2 swag, like little sister figurines and limited edition Bioshock 2 over sized mouse pads, etc, and it can all be yours! All you have to do is be one of the first two people to email us with a list of the articles the missing diaries are located in and a brief explanation of what was in the recording. You’d better hurry. You wouldn’t want any of those other Sarcastic parasites hording your prize! It belongs to YOU!
Email your entries to undeaddog@sarcasticgamer.com
Stay tuned to the front page, where we’ll reveal the winner and present all of the missing diary parodies for your listening displeasure.
