Who needs to think of a creative title either? When you put this week’s two biggest stories in gaming right in the same article, the blog writes itself.

A new Doom game, and a movie based on killing little girls? Hell. Yes.

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It’s that time again. Time to go where no other Sarcastic Gamer dares to go. This week has been a disappointing one for those looking forward to Warcraft’s biggest rival, and it also makes my MMO choices for this fall a lot more difficult. Then again, those of us who are in love with Bioshock and World of Warcraft may have something to look forward to.

Yeah, you read that right.

Follow me after the jump for all the juicy details.

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Source: videogamer

FINALLY! After three and a half loooong months, the day that I have been impatiently waiting for is here! I’m not sure how many of you know about the widescreen mode debacle in BioShock, so let me fill you in, after the jump.

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by Sean “rothbart” Workman

SarcasticGamer HQ - August 24 - We’ve seen Mountain Dew pimp itself out as Halo Game Fuel and we all know how well that worked out. Dorito’s is in the middle of a contest now to create a videogame based on customer submitted ideas, but the latest cross-product advertising sponsorship deals are starting to really cause a stink in the gaming world.

The offices of SarcasticGamer received a package today for evaluation. The product we were asked to evaluate is a new line of anti-perspirant deodorants from Speedstick affectionately called “BO Shock” with the tagline “Just what Big Daddy needs” for the guys and “Protects the Little Sister too!” for the gals.

I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want to do first thing in the morning is smear videogame advertising all over my arm pits. Who are they kidding? If they’re trying to sell you on videogaming, the last place they should be placing ads is on deodorant.

The “Big Daddy” scent smelled like a mix of stagnant water with a strange hint of rust and blood while the “Little Sister” scent smelled pretty much like sugar, spice, and everything nice, except for the hint of blood. Dave reports that it didn’t taste to bad either.Are you having BO Shock? Take a shower or head over to our FORUMS and sound off!

Photo by Lono, all rights reserved.

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a guest rant by Christopher J. Ivan of Gamercast Network’s Video Game Show

If you listened our most recent show you know that I wasn’t very excited about Bioshock. I played the demo and thought it was ok. But it didn’t wow me. Granted I only played it once, and Stranglehold had more of an instant fun factor for me. I even responded to a couple 360 IMs saying that I probably wasn’t going to buy the game, and instead buy something like Two Worlds.

However… Monday night I was getting close to finishing Shivering Isles for Oblivion (finally!) and knew I wanted to buy a new game. I also knew that I was going to finish SI on Tuesday night. On top of that I had taken today (Wednesday) off from work to just relax and do nothing (250+ vacation hours to use up!)

Two Worlds doesn’t come out until later this week (if we’re lucky) and I think the demo gave me my fill of Stranglehold. So I took a closer look at Bioshock. I skimmed some web pages and checked out the review sites. 97 from Metacritic and 96.5 from Gamerankings. Wow. That’s like… a lot. Metacritic’s 97 out of 100 is dubbed “Universally Acclaimed.” Maybe I over looked something.

So, having Wednesday off I slept in and decided to roll out of the apartment at noon and head across the street to Circuit City. CC also has a new “Gamers Club” card giving you 10% off all video games all the time (and maybe even accessories). So I figured I’d pick up the card and buy the game, and play until dinner time. So sure was I that I would be gone for 15 minutes I didn’t shut off the TV or the lights or anything. “I’ll just zip across the street and come right back and start playing!”

And thus the adventure began… (Continued on the Sarcastic Gamer Forums)

Pre-Release Game Review by Matt Schmidt

Even before its official release tomorrow, Bioshock is wowing the so-called gaming experts in the press with a phenomenal average score. Pre-release copies have been given away like WNBA tickets, and Sarcastic Gamer was most definitely on the approved list.

My copy came in the mail last week, and my brain is about to explode with mediocrity. The entire gaming media has either blown a fuse or taken a massive amount of bribes, because this game sucks.

The graphics are stunningly mundane. Sure, it has a 3D engine, but I could not tell the difference between this and a tricked out version of Castlevania. Each individual pixel could be picked out with the MSPaint zoom function. People told me the shadows are one of the best parts of the engine, but those things creep me out so I disabled them. It also improved the crappy frame rate on my Geforce 4 MX.

While the image quality should be the only real basis of how good a game is, the gameplay is equally horrendous. Think Doom 3 mixed with World of Warcraft: advance through a claustrophobic metallic corridor, click on an ugly looking beast, and do +5 damage to it with your bow staff. Except the AI is so unpolished, the monster stands there twiddling its three opposable thumbs while you reign hell down upon it with your nerfed weapon of choice.

Control schematics? The trigger is mapped to the start or enter button. To reload, kick your computer or console hard to the right. You don’t even want to know the series of events to enter your initials.

All in all, your money is better spent on a Call of Duty 4 preorder. Or some fruit from your local farmer’s market. At least apples have substance to them.

Graphics … 6%
Gameplay … 12%
Controls … 2%
Antisemitism … 89%

Overall: 1.5 Adam Sessler heads out of 5.

Did you get your pre-release copy from shady street dealers in China too? Head over to our FORUMS and share your experiences.

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Photo and Rant by Lono

all rights reserved.

What in the holy hell is going on with my Xbox Live Marketplace? All I want to do is download Bioshock. That’s all. But no. You little bitch. You taunt me with your 45% over and over. Making me wait and wait while the number never changes. Never. Changes.

“Can’t download Bioshock Demo” …… WTF? Jesus Christ on a Bicycle! Ok, ok… Calm down. Start again, maybe there’s a lot of people downloading the game. Let’s try again. Stay cool.

Dave just called and told me that he downloaded it without a problem. M^therf^cker! Fraking Dave, with his mom’s dial-up, just downloaded my heart’s desire while my cable modem screams at over 100 mbps and just laughs at me.

Why, Xbox why? I’ve cleared the space off of my Hard Drive. I’ve tried to download the demo at different times… at night, during the day, in the morning, again at night and again and again and……………………..AWFRICKINGAWDDAMNMOTHERFRACKINGPIECEOFCRAP! Ok, calm down.

Ok, one more try…. Boot it up… okay its at 45%… here we go…. still 45%…. come on baby…come to daddy……AWFRICKINGAWDDAMNMOTHERFRACKINGPIECEOFCRAP!

PC Load Letter? WTF is that?

Did you download the Bioshock demo? Let Lono know on the FORUMS and rub it in!

Please note that it may take up to 15 minutes for a new article to arrive on the forums