Editor’s note: SmellyPirate says goodbye by sharing one of his favorite articles from the SG archives. Where we’re going, we don’t need buns.
A few weeks ago, purveyor of greasy fare Kentucky Fried Chicken unleashed its latest attempt to fast-track consumers to early graves: the Double Down sandwich. The chain restaurant’s newest fat bomb arrived in my lap in the form of two pieces of bacon, two slices of cheese and the Colonel’s secret sauce, all wedged between two breaded, white-meat chicken fillets. KFC has bucked fast-food norms with this caloric beast by ditching the carb-heavy buns altogether.
The Double Down sandwich is, admittedly, quite delicious. Just be prepared to ingest 540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium. Yikes!
What can I say about this … this … monstrosity? If I was 17 years old, this would be the kind of sandwich that I would buy at least three times a week. I mean, who really wants to bother with hamburger buns? Merely a load of empty calories. And yet, as I ate the Double Down, I felt a peculiar sense of gluttonous guilt. It was, interestingly enough, akin to the feeling I get as a 31-year-old gamer on a five-hour marathon, neglecting family, friends and bodily functions.
And then I realized that the only time in my adult life that I have been able to gorge on video games without being overwrought with self-loathing and guilt was Oct. 17, 2009. Extra Life transformed a mindless orgy of junk food and video games into a benevolent act of defiance against pediatric cancer.
So, KFC (or Doc) convince me that eating this sandwich will somehow heal sick children, resurrect dead kittens or facilitate the replacement of DeathByWaffle’s nipples, and I will eat it as much as my colon will allow. Otherwise, it is simply too much of a caloric indulgence to justify repeated consumption.
Verdict: rental
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Goodbye dude, i thank you for the good work you have done.
Much appreciated, Lukas.
Lukas you made up troll, that was almost civil. I hope you don’t make the transition
Now i am trolling if i say nice things? This kinda doesnt make sense….
No more the fact that your known as a troll.
Guys, give him a break…
Humpday humpday humpday, humpday humpday humpday, humpday humpday (update, update!). Or at least that’s how I think it went, anyways, that alone was worth me listening to you.
Single tear…
Smelly, smelly, smelly… (note that those last two weren’t capitalized…) How I’ll miss you… I hope you move onto something infinitely more successful than SG. Good luck with everything we… I mean you… do.
Lets do things together sometime.
Can I do something with you guys sometime too?
Does this mean that Smelly isn’t making the jump? These are dark times indeed…
Either way, thanks for everything Smelly Pirate! You da Bomb!
How did you inner that? It was my inferior writing, wasn’t it? WASN’T IT?!
It’s a shame what’s happening to this site.
Some people thought the American Revolution was a shame, everyone else was too busy yelling “USA, USA, USA!”
This…is….awesome.
(also, I’m your brother and I promised that I would comment on your article)
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
And I love it!
Jump over the hump. Hump the jump. Smelly jump. Smelly hump. If not Sarcastic then what?
IT’S ALL TRUE! I CONFESS! *weeps hysterically* No, actually rothbart saying he’ll miss you was where I went awry. But if your migrating that’s great news!