This is all the dialogue Mass Effect needs

It seems like you can’t click on more than two video game sites without running into some gushing fan boy idiot proclaiming the greatness of Mass Effect. It gets tiring, especially since Mass Effect (particularly the original game) is clearly a failed series. There are so many things wrong with the games that even Sony didn’t want to release the original on the PS3.

They feared, rightly so, that a game as soul-crushingly boring as Mass Effect would devalue their console. Microsoft, of course, went right after the game, since they only care about your money. But I digress. Every time I’m playing Mass Effect, all I can think about is Pokemon. The Pokemon games are superior in every way to Mass Effect, so BioWare should heed my advice and follow these steps towards making their game as timeless as “Pocket Monsters.”

Villians:

Mass Effect has terribly clichéd and boring villains. They are not threatening or overwhelming, and worst of all, they lack charisma. Saren was the lamest Turian ever and *SPOILER ALERT* if you played your cards right, you could talk him into killing himself. Really? Enter Jesse, James and Meowth, better known as Team Rocket. Their witty banter and endless quest to capture Ash’s special Pikachu embody everything great about villains. Take note, BioWare. Reapers and Collectors have nothing on Team Rocket. Plus, they always mark their entrance with a very well-constructed mini-poem that never gets old.

Dialogue:

Mass Effect = tl;dr. I don’t know about you, but when I’m playing Mass Effect, I hammer on that “X” button as fast as I can to skip the terribly boring scenes where you have to read stupid stuff that the characters say. I much prefer the Spartan efficiency of Pokemon. They can only say their own names, and thus, I don’t have to deal with so many stupid words. Reading is hard.

Battle System:

Look, if I wanted to do something, I wouldn’t be playing video games. I don’t want to shoot at enemies. I don’t want to use my biotic powers. I want to press a button until my enemy is dead. Enter Pokemon, once again. If you only have to select the attacks and then watch them play out, video games achieve a level of intellectualism that you can never have in a Gears of War knock-off like Mass Effect 2.

Heroes:

The first problem with the heroes in Mass Effect is that there are simply too many of them. I can’t follow all those characters! Even worse, each one has his/her own backstory, and you know what that means: MORE READING! ARG! Ash has sidekicks, but his struggle is the only real important one in the Pokemon universe. His motives are much more understandable than Commander Shepard’s anyhow.  I’ve always wanted to “Catch ‘em all!” I’ve never wanted to save the universe. Yet another point in Pokemon’s favor.

Story:

Unfortunately, it’s rumored that Mass Effect 3 will offer “closure” of the story that started with Mass Effect. What a terrible decision. Pokemon’s open-ended quest to enslave powerful elemental creature in tiny balls is effectively the greatest story ever told, and this is due in no small part to its endless nature. Why should the story end? Why BioWare? Have you learned nothing from the undisputed kings of video games, Nintendo. I guess they’re too stubborn to admit they’ve made massive mistakes with this “epic adventure.”