Dear 1988 version of myself:

I’m writing you this letter to let you know…DUDE! Turn down that RUN DMC for one second, and listen to me!  I know, Raising Hell is amazing, and it sucks that you have to mute your boom-box every time you listen to “Hit It Run” and D.M.C. drops the F-Bomb.  Someday you’ll thank your parents for their rules, just like you thanked them maniacally when they bought you your NES for Christmas.

Speaking of which, I just played a game, and it reminded me of you.  You know how you and your brothers obsess over Castlevania, Ghosts and Goblins and Kid Niki? (I know, nobody wants to admit they loved Kid Niki, but it’s better to accept it now: game ruled.)  Well, 22 years from now you’ll have the chance to play Ophidian Wars: Opac’s Journey, an Indie Game on the Xbox Live Marketplace.

Hit the jump (like you know what that means, in 1988) to read more!

See, OW: OJ clearly has its roots in those classic platformers you love so much.  Epic twist: no enemies.  The only force you fight against in this game is gravity, and as Radiohead will teach you in approximately 7 years: “gravity always wins.”  No there are no trolls, monsters or vampires roaming around in predictable patterns here.  Your chief concern is getting to the next door.  Suddenly the subtitle of the game, reframing the game as a “journey” rather than an actual “war”.

To be fair, the developers keep your interest by making the doors increasingly difficult to reach, requiring you to seek out upgrades to help you jump higher, run faster, and glide longer.  At the end of the day, it feels like a stripped down Metroid, and not in that “JUSTIN BAILEY” sense of stripping down.  I mean you have no gun, there are literally no enemies or bosses, and you can’t even roll up in a ball.

Having said all this, there is one piece of good news: it will only cost you ONE DOLLAR, from the Xbox Live Markeplace! It took me about 90 minutes to beat, and there is no save mechanic, so you will have to beat it all in one sitting, just like the good old days.  There are a couple of cute nods to classic games easter-egged in there – “Eastmost peninsula is the secret” – and the upgrades are actually fun to use for a bit after you obtain them.  Overall, OW:OJ isn’t going to win any awards, but the controls are tight enough to satisfy your platforming itch, and the game hints at a sequel incoming, so you may be rewarded with an actual war for Opac to journey through somewhere down the line.

So, get it if you have nothing else to play, which you don’t because you traded Spy Hunter to that annoying kid down the street for N.W.A.’s Straight Outta Compton on cassette tape.  Keep your finger on the volume slider though, pal, ‘cause Mom is always right around the corner, and Easy has a potty mouth.

*Ophidian Wars: Opac’s Journey was provided as a review copy for the writer by Small Cave Games, and was played to completion in 1 hour 27 minutes.

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