Editor’s Note: YoshiFett is a SG Brown show podcast regular and now we’re happy to announce that he has joined the rank and file here at Sarcasticgamer.com. He’ll be a regular writer for the site to go along with his podcasting duties, so read on and give him some feedback below!

Today, a million chocobos cried out and were suddenly silenced by breaking news on the epic Final Fantasy series.  In a stunning turn of events, behemoth Japanese publisher Square Enix announced that Final Fantasy XIV would be released exclusively on the Nintendo Wii.

How can this be? Read on.

“We had many good happy lucky success with the Sony,” explained John Yamamoto, CEO of Square Enix, “but we feel fortune now favors Nintendo.”  Yamamoto continued by saying that when the FF series went to Sony, “everything started to get really weird,” noting in particular the sharp increase in feminine male characters with spiky hair.   “That’s not my Final Fantasy,” said Yamamoto.

In a written statement released to select members of the press, Square Enix explained that returning the Final Fantasy series to Nintendo was the honorable thing to do.  “We would rather stick a giant sword in our company’s collective belly, and spill our guts out on to the floor,” the statement read, “than to see another Final Fantasy game NOT on a Nintendo console.”

Sony’s response was predictably hostile.  “Those guys at Square have small penises,” declared Jack Tretton, President of Sony’s American division.  “We’re talking really small,” he continued, claiming that whenever developers from Square came to visit, they had to request “special” prostitutes to accommodate the unfortunately endowed guests.

Though no release date has been set for Final Fantasy XIV, Yamamoto assured the public that “Whenever it is shipped, it won’t be in a damn Sony case, that’s for sure.”  Yamamoto then stepped into his rocket ship, which was waiting to take him to his orbiting space palace.