This Christmas is going to be LEGEN...wait for it...DARY!

If your looking for a good laugh this holiday season, you won’t have to search very far; just check out mainstream Holiday Shopping Guides like this gem from The Guardian or this particularly spectacular dip into stupidity by Yahoo Finance.

Most of these “Guides” or what-have-you are just the misinformed, bumbling ramblings of an obvious non-gamer about what YOU should buy for the gamer in your life.  Which is stupid.

Hello, how many million gamers in the world and you could not find one to pitch in?  It’s this kind of terrible advice that will, without a doubt, devastate more than a few people this Christmas.  “Baby, I know you asked for Call of Honor, but the paper said Tomb Raider is really popular too.  Merry Christmas!”

Check some of what PacManPolarBear wants for Christmas after the jump!

It should be said that I am not a fan of casual (vomit) games, so you won’t find any Wii (lol) related advice.  This is a hardcore (HARDCORE Y’ALL!!!) gamers Christmas wishlist (some based in reality, some not).

As such, I already own most of the big name titles of 2009 already, so I’m asking for that big s**t you can only get away with asking for around the Holidays.

In no particular order:

DJ Hero Renegade Edition

This is one of the few games I did not rush out to buy on day one; specifically because $219.99 is a lot of cash to drop on one game. I enjoyed Guitar Hero and Rock Band as much as the next person, but I never felt the need to own either. DJ Hero on the other hand had me sold before my first hour with the game was up.  Throw on a good pair of headphones and it’s nothing but “Yeeeaaahhh Boooyyy!” from then on.

A High End Gaming Router

Ok, “gaming router” sounds a bit melodramatic, but a high end router is a pretty big must these days considering just how many devices a tech savy household could have going at any given time.  Sharing a single internect connection between ump-teen many people sucks.

Trust me.

Full HD 1080p Big Screen Televsion

Yeah, because this one is all that likely right?  You never know.  We aren’t playing 8-bit games anymore; it’s time to ditch that ancient heirloom that’s probably giving off a fair amount of radiation and get a good quality HD TV.  I’m using a great Samsung computer monitor at the moment, but I sure would love to find a 46″ TV under the tree.

Veronica Belmont VS. Olivia Munn

I just don’t see how anything could beat watching these two nerd rage out on one another (o.k., nerd vs. model).  Like the next time Munn is in the middle of gagging on a hot dog, Belmont just walks up and smokes her with a PS3 controller.  Or something like that.  Make of that Christmas wish what you will, but you all know you’d watch.

PS. They are both classy, upstanding ladies and I would never think to besmirch their reputations in any way…Belmont would stomp on her nerd style though…I’m just saying…

Bring Back Wing Commander!

I'm also the voice of The Joker. Crazy eh?

How is it that we have seen Bionic Commando get a freaking fullscale rebirth, but not Wing Commander? The game that broke new ground using real live actors to tell an incredible story in a fantastic Sci-Fi flight sim universe? It had Luke Skywalker in it for f**k sakes! Luke! I’d sell one third of my soul for someone, anyone, to make a good new Wing Commander title.  May the Gaming Gods have mercy upon you if Freddie Prince Jr. is in it though…

PSN and XBL Points Cards

This is a pretty cheap “get out of jail free” present: the video game equivalent of a gift certifcate.  “I don’t know what the hell to get you; here’s a $50 gift card, buy your own damn presents. Bah humbug!”

Bean Bag Chair

Do YOU come with the chair?

I’m fighting Skeletor for the title of “Skinniest Super Villain” (yeah, I’m a Super Villain, badass, eh?); I just don’t have that much meat on my bones.  My ass is less of a cushion and more of a tail bone knife blade.  I need a lil extra cushion. Nothing says decadent gaming slothdom like a bean bag chair.

If the world was a kind, fair place, our friends and family would just listen and buy exactly what we ask for, but it’s not.  Lots of sweaters, socks, copies of Tomb Raider and Avatar are going to find their way to the bottom of the tree this year, in effect, murdering Christmas.

Okay, that’s a bit harsh…maybe aggravated assault.

If you come across good articles, links, whatever, try and steer your peers in their direction. Or, if you think articles by Yahoo Finance and The Guardian have even the smallest clue as to what gamers like, you could just save yourself the cash and give your special someone an onion.  It’s just a less expensive way to make them cry.