"Where are my dual chainblades?"

Electronic Arts registered the trademark for Jack the Ripper for “computer game software” last week.  In July, Visceral Games, the folks that are bringing you the epically ridiculous Dante’s Inferno, announced they would be putting a game together based on the Jack the Ripper case.

Visceral: (adjective) not intellectual; dealing with crude or elemental emotions, raw

Should I be worried at this point?

Okay, look.  Visceral put together the incredible Dead Space, so there’s one big, Toyko destroying monster sized point for their making another video game.  But let’s look at their next title, Dante’s Inferno.  For those of you who have not forced yourself to read through the epic poem of the same name, the synopsis is this: Dante, a POET (yes, a POET), travels through the nine rings of Hell and describes what he sees in agonizing detail.  That’s it.

Plain, ol' vanilla Dante.

The real “Dante” was not depicted as a warrior god, carried from the fields of battle on wings of the valkyrie.  In the poem, Dante is a beatnik poet, beret and all, commenting on the agonies he sees before him, and then walks on.  He’s not slaying anything with his trusty pair of gun blades or howitzers. And yet, somehow, Visceral bastardized the whole concept of Dante’s Inferno, and next thing you know, we’ve got giant bare-breasted medusas who lactate enemies that Dante hacks to pieces with a giant demon-infused scythe blade.

Mountain Dew XTREME Dante! YEAAAAAA!

If you’re not following how crazy this is, it’s as if EA trademarked a game to be made from “Schindler’s List”, and instead of making Oskar Schindler a German businessman who saves Jews from the Holocaust, Visceral turns him into a flamethrower-wielding super solider from a Nazi experiment gone wrong, drop kicking panzer tanks and power bombing zeppelins out of the sky.  Get me now?

Hey, wait, get me on the phone with Steven Speilberg’s people; I’m trade marking that now.

So, now Visceral has a hold of the Jack the Ripper…license.  Can you get a license on a string of unsolved hooker murders?  Odd.  Anyway, my big question is how is this license-bastardizing studio going to do this game?  Are they going to take the high road, go against their namesake and go the deeper, more intellectual route?  Maybe a stealth action thriller, where you play as a detective chasing down Jack?  Or even go more dark and crazy with the Manhunt option and play as Jack, evading police, stalking and killing victims?

Or is Visceral going to Dante’s Inferno it up, where Jack’s going to be given a pair of gold-plated, demon-infused AK-47s and sent to fight an ancient evil erupting from the center of London?

An even better question is how will EA virally “market” the game?  Are they going to start sending gaming media sites severed body parts from real London hookers?   Maybe have a contest encouraging gamers to stalk after booth babes at Comic-con?  Oh, wait, they did that second one.

Look, I’m going to play Dante’s Inferno when it comes out; that’s all there is to it.  But I’m not expecting a real game changer.  I’d just like to think with a seemingly more cerebral topic as Jack the Ripper, they could maybe up their game up a bit and try for another Dead Space, and can keep the gold plated AK-47s for the inevitable Dante’s Inferno sequel.

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