After a nightmarish flight in which the pilot circled a silo in Des Moines, Iowa, for 10 hours, I am finally able to report from Topeka, site of the inaugural PAX Midwest. Originally, I had planned to stop by the Ward-Meade Park Botanical Gardens and the Combat Air Museum at Forbes Field, but had to scrap those arrangements due to my delayed arrival. Travel tip: Never fly on Primitive Airways. In addition to the incredibly moronic pilots, the company refuses to install toilets on its planes. The guy next to me actually pissed his pants three hours after takeoff, and seven more times over the next five hours. By the end of the flight, he smelled as if he had just taken a dip in a YMCA swimming pool.

Upon entry to the Topeka High School gymnasium, I set out for the Sony booth to get the latest on A Crack in Time, the final chapter in the Ratchet & Clank Future story arc. As luck would have it, neither Insomniac Games nor SCE opted to attend, so I had to settle for Ned, a kindly janitor who owned a Sony television back in the mid-1990s. It was an interesting interview to say the least.

Me: First off, thanks for speaking with me.

Ned: Yep.

Me: So, tell us about Ratchet & Clank.

Ned: Well, this ratchet helps me tighten nuts and bolts, and clank is the sound it makes when I hit a pipe.

Me: No, I meant Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time, the upcoming platformer from Insomniac Games.

Ned: Never heard of it.

Me: Surely you must have. It’s being published by Sony.

Ned: Don’t they make televisions?

Me: Well, yes, the company does that, but it offers a wide range of consumer products, including video games, home theater systems, computers and camcorders.

Ned: You sure?

Me: Positive.

Ned: Hmmm … guess ya learn something new everyday.

Me: Look, we’re getting a bit sidetracked. Talk a little about Dr. Nefarious. What role will he play?

Ned: Is that some kind of demonic roller coaster?

Me: No. A video game character actually.

Ned: Never heard of him. Listen, I got some sweeping to finish.

Me: OK, but I still don’t have anything for my story.

Ned: Don’t know what to tell ya chief.

Me: Alright, quick fire.

Ned: Wha?

Me: It’s a lightning round of random questions. Up for it?

Ned: Sure, if it gets you outta my hair.

Me: Stalagmites or stalactites?

Ned: First one.

Me: Chef Boyardee or Uncle Ben?

Ned: Whichever makes those delicious frozen pizzas.

Me: Red Baron?

Ned: Him.

Me: Which mustache do women find most irresistible?

Ned: Handlebar.

Me: Favorite dipping sauce for Chicken McNuggets?

Ned: Sweet ‘N Sour

Me: Favorite Futurama character?

Ned: Scruffy.

Me: Liberty or death?

Ned: You serious?

Me: Sausage links or patties?

Ned: Links.

Me: Better invention: the paper bag or sliced bread?

Ned: The bag. Anything that can make Rosie O’Donnell attractive gets my vote.

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