It’s easy to see why the rotund royals of Fat Princess are so enamored with cake. Most varieties of the oft-iced confection are quite scrumptious. Though, I’m not sure that I could continuously ram it down my throat, as Titania’s corpulent dames seem to do. From what I can tell, it’s all they eat. Sure, the banner princess is holding a shank, but have you ever seen one in the game? I haven’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional slab of red velvet cake, but I also like variety. They don’t call it the spice of life for nothing. I don’t know who they are, but I am positive that I have heard that adage before. Perhaps it was Billy Nye or Ferdinand Magellan. Or, maybe I simply enjoy peppering my articles with notable names. Probably the latter. Patrick Ewing.

In an effort to snap this case of dietary lust, I would like to offer the portly ladies one of my favorite dessert recipes.  It would probably be rather difficult to wean them off of sugary goods, so I figured I would stick with something sweet this time around. Later, I will offer them cakes stuffed with squash, and laugh hysterically as they gag on the yellow filling. I r an asshole.

Please feel free to pass this recipe to a friend or loved one, as it was passed to me by Grandma Havok just before she passed (ironically just after eating a slice).

YOU WILL NEED:

• 2 slices white bread
• 1 whole onion
• 4 cups marinara sauce
• 2 packets crumbled oyster crackers
• 2 cans Red Bull
• 1 walrus tusk
• 1 tablespoon Bobby Kotick venom
• Ultra fructose corn syrup
• Thundercats, HOOOOOOO!!!
• A partridge (preferably in a pear tree)
• Eye of newt (left only)
• 1 Portuguese man-of-war (shaved smooth)
• Vincent van Gogh’s left ear lobe (toenails can be substituted)
• 2 liters garbage juice
• A van down by the river

Preheat oven to 900 degrees.  If your oven doesn’t go that high, I suggest two ovens, each set to 450.  Mix wet ingredients and add to dry ingredients in a large polyester bowl.  Pour into greased baking pans and cook for 3 days.  Cool before icing (I’ll share Grandma Havok’s sardine frosting with anyone who sends me an e-mail).

Sounds good huh?

If you will kindly excuse me, all of this typing has made me a bit hungry. A slice of Aunt Saunders’ cheese pizza sounds pretty good. I hope we’re not all out of rancid yak milk.

Popularity: 1% [?]