Last month, I finished putting 50 hours into tri-Ace’s Star Ocean: The Last Hope, which is supposedly the last game of the series. I dinked around with the first one when it came out for the PS1, but never really got into it. I had just come off of a glut of Final Fantasy, so another Japanese RPG was a little much to handle.

And that’s what this game is. The title may as well have been Super Awesome Extreme Battle System: Devil Sorcerer or some such nonsense, because this game is so rife with the stereotype, boilerplate Japanese RPG elements, it may as well be a parody of itself. Only it isn’t trying to be funny or laugh at itself, and that brings it down about ten cool points. Watching the cutscenes, several times I felt like I was watching a lost episode of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. That should give you an idea of where I’m coming from, especially seeing that some of their cutscenes are matched in length only by Metal Gear Solid 4’s lengthy diatribes.

Let’s go through the checklist:

The mopey, spiky haired seventeen year old main character/ship captain, who is wracked with indecision and self doubt about the monstrous-sized choices he has to make. His name is, no joke, Edge Maverick. It’s as if someone took the Awesome dictionary and just picked two words out at random. How about Blitz Juggernaut? Why the F not?

Following daintily behind him is his second in command, is Reimi, a cute female 17-year old, who cheers our mopey and dramatic hero along with “You-can-do-it” style monologues and general awkwardness and sexual tension you can cut with a knife. The developers don’t even try to hide it.

Your liaison with the home base has to be the second most annoying Japanese character stereotype I’ve ever had the displeasure in dealing with (the first most annoying one was the overly-effeminate friend from Enchanted Arms which made me turn the game off within the first half hour). Her freakin’ name, is again, no joke, Welch Vineyard. She has purple hair, glasses, is dressed in a upper thigh high skirt, obviously is infatuated with Edge, and is probably about 14 years old. Her voice has the ability to shatter glass, and I had to put blankets on the walls behind my television to absorb the sonic scream she emits on a general basis. Thankfully, she’s not a playable character.

Your third side kick is the quiet, effeminate “space alien” Faize, who strangely enough looks like a mix between an elf and a Star Trek vulcan, who minces around and is equally as pathetic sounding as Edge is most of the time. The two combined make for some very annoying cutscenes of near-tears and self-doubt.

Another unplayable pair: you’ve got a greedy, fat story-driver named Admiral Yamata, who is incompetent and is generally yelling at everyone. He has a trio of lackeys following around in his wake, kissing his ass and make jokes about you. On the opposite side of the coin is the battle hardened Admiral Kenny, who is really the one in charge but is under Yamata, walking around like a demigod, humbly taking Yamata’s abuse while basking in his super star status.

Let’s not forget our Sepiroth clone, Arumat; giant scar, his eyepatch, white hair, giant two handed Samurai blade in his hands. He, of course, is cursed and his story is that he is usually the only survivor of any battles his squad is in. He beats you about the head with his silent moping and predictions that his curse is going to get everyone killed.

Hey, Japanese pervs! We’ve got everything for you here in your party in tastes in women! Like ‘em young? We’ve got Lymle, the prepubescent magic prodigy with pigtails and all. Like ‘em dumb and naïve? You’ve got the cute nerdy seraphim/angel style character Sarah, who apparently could drown in a rainstorm because she was staring up into the sky and didn’t close her mouth. Like ‘em with ginormous triple D sized cups? Well, we’ve got that too! Enter Myuria, the hard-talking, skimpily dressed pair of walking flesh globes. She’s wearing something directly from the Dead or Alive: Extreme Volleyball collection. You don’t get her until about 20 hours in, but she’s certainly…ahem…distracting. Like your girls dressed like cats? Hell, we’ve got one of those too!

Oh, and last but not least, let’s not forget our oversized hero. Usually about the fourth character in, you get a massive bruiser of a character, and this game is no exception. This is the only exception to the JRPG rule, because your giant oversized hero Bacchus is a scientist, as opposed to a giant, mead swilling, skull-crushing dullard.

Okay, spent so much time there, got to wrap this up. The gameplay and battle sequences are great, and I enjoyed getting into fights to grind out levels. Do NOT make the same mistake as I did and try to speed through the game quickly; the end areas of the game are brutal and if you haven’t done any leveling along the way, you find that getting your ass handed to you happens on a regular basis.

I spent fifty hours in it, but there are so many mechanics and ways to level up characters and weapons, that you could easy put 200 hours into it and not even come close. Interactions between crew members to get all the different endings, grinding out components to craft new and exotic weapons and armor, getting collectibles…the list goes on and on. You certainly can grind your money worth out of the three disc game.

It’s not a bad game; Hells bells, it’s a pretty good one. But seeing as the characters are central to the ride and the game is not afraid of tossing in a 45 minute cutscene, I thought it best to warn you ahead of time if you are waiting for a fix on your Xbox 360 before the next Final Fantasy comes out.

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