Oh sweet Castle Crashers, you have bewitched my heart. How I long for your cartoon violence and adorable heroes. If only you would come to the PlayStation Network, then I could fully embrace you with my loving arms. Alas, you’re exclusive to Microsoft’s Xbox 360. I could cry and I could whine, but it wouldn’t do any good. So take this little ode, as a token of my love.

A fun-filled adventure for up to four to enjoy

With colorful knights that seek and destroy

Saving the King’s daughters is the task at their feet

Hopefully the reward is a sweet midnight treat

The heroes murder and maim with axes, maces and more

A large medieval locker of torture and war

Obtaining new weapons is a snap and a breeze

Find ‘em or buy ‘em, or both if you please

Go to the blacksmith to get some insight

On which weapon is best for your style of fight

The barbarian ax is one of my faves

It slices and dices, sending foes to their graves

The glowing lightsaber is pretty damn neat

As is the lobster, usually a succulent meat

There’s also a sausage, a weapon quite absurd

Slender and brown like a solid, firm turd

That last line was vulgar I have to admit

But you came to SG, so you deserve what you get

A side-scrolling brawler that offers a bit more

Light RPG elements and loot collecting galore

Players net experience from each successful blow

Gaining levels and combos as they go

The soundtrack is killer and a treat to the ears

Spirits will soar as warriors ready their spears

The tunes are quite catchy and put one in the mood

To provide some new assholes for the Wizard and his brood

The colors are bright and really pop off the screen

Visuals that charm, so pretty and clean

The locales are vibrant and varied, wondrous sights to behold

From the marsh to the desert, and the ice castle so cold

Some of the bosses are huge, others kind of small

That mother****ing Catfish must be 20 feet tall

The winged beast Pipistrello attacks with its tongue

And leaves behind rancid piles of dung

Knight-specific magic including poison, lightning and ice

Toss in some fire for a little bit of spice

Cute animal orbs help even the odds

Serving as backups against evil’s vast squads

There’s a ram and a cardinal, and even a giraffe too

But screw that damn sea horse, little pile of poo

I love 2D beat-em-ups, and Castle Crashers shines bright

Offering the ingredients for one hell of a night

The game is still selling and The Behemoth must be proud

Its sophomore title is a hit with the Xbox Live crowd

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