It’s currently 2:40am UK time, and my ears are being tortured by Ubisoft’s mediocre, soulless sales crap. I’ve spent the past hour and 40 minutes having my brain reduced to mush by “zany” music, torturous droning from James Cameron, patronising casual game advertising and sheer ignorance of who the conference is being presented to. I would, if I could, sue Ubisoft to claim this time back in money, but last time I checked there’s no such conversion as minutes into money. But if there was, I would take full advantage.

Rantings await for you over the jump.

The audience are currently cheering out of gratitude for the end of a presentation of the next Rabbids game. I would join them if it didn’t wake up the rest of my household. Yet another joke has been made about Ryan Seacrest, and the teleprompter is getting lines muddled up. The instantly forgettable corporate faces of Ubisoft are cracking lameass joke after lameass joke.

The first hour was spent in the company of some motormouths – especially James Cameron – and I think Ubisoft would be better off as a movie company and as far away from E3 as possible. I found Pele’s in-game character in the upcoming soccer game (forgotten the game) the most hilarious thing I’d ever seen at the time, which said a lot.

I’m also pretty sure I died a little inside as the Imagine brand was given far more screentime than it deserved, and as the monumental failure that was Eyetoy: Kinetic was glossed over as Ubisoft introduced their new fitness game, whose name I forget.

And, oh lord, the Rabbids. Don’t even mention the fucking Rabbids.

Ubisoft, I thought we couldn’t get worse than Nintendo’s presser last year. Save for Assassins’ Creed, nothing can save your press conference. You owe me two hours of sleep.

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