Hmmmm....maybe?

Well, it was bloody inevitable.

Let’s face it. Apparently, the world is starting to run out of unique ideas; you have no further to look than the video game industry to prove that fact.  Almost every major video game title people have been looking forward to in recent memory are all sequels.  Fallout 3, Resident Evil 5 (which is more like Resident Evil, what, 8 or 9 at this point?), My Little Pony 6, the list goes on and on.  Don’t even get me started on the Wii titles.  Aren’t they starting to get into the double digits on each of their unholy Mario/Zelda/Metroid brands?  How much longer do they plan on wringing every drop of tainted blood from those stones?

So any time any form of media explodes in popularity, you’d better believe that you’re going to see backpacks, collectable card games, plush dolls, lunchboxes, and the usually painful *shudder* movie tie-in.

So why should Gears of War be any different?

Yes, they’re making a Gears of War movie.  Big surprise.  I guess we should all just roll up our sleeves and start digging through the muck after the jump here.

No. NO.

So here’s the breakdown.  The screenwriter is Chris Morgan, the guy who brought us Wanted and the latest remake of Fast & Furious (that’s sequel number three, no matter what you call it), so if you liked either of those movies, you can probably feel a little more hopeful over the concept of a Gears of War movie.  The director is Len Wiseman, who wrote and produced the whole Underworld seires, as well as Live Free or Die Hard.  Meh.  Not terrible, big explosive, big budget, so I guess they’re on the right track.

The skeletal information on IMDB has a date of 2010 for a release date, but seeing as that is the only information about the movie, I’m gonna take that information with a very large pinch of salt.

Here’s the first red flag for the movie?  The movie is planning on having a PG-13 rating.  How in the hell can you have a rated M for mature game being remade into a bloody and explosive blockbuster targeting audience members who may have never been allowed to play the god damn video game? I mean, wasn’t the damn game banned in several European countries for being too violent?  When I envision a Gears of War movie, there’s at least one scene with Marcus are chainsawing locust troop with his lancer rifle.  What, instead of blood and gore, they going to have the locusts bleed rainbows? I hoping that the whole PG-13 discussion is false.

Second big problem that I found?  When I was doing my article research, when I googled “Gears of War Movie 2009″, I was surprised to see that the movie has been gathering dust since 2006 and was originally supposed to come out for the summer of 2009.  Lovely.

Especially seeing that they haven’t even tentatively cast anyone for the parts.  No mention of anyone listed as who is going to be taking the role of Marcus Fenix.  Ron Perlman, anyone?  He’s a bit old, but he’s certainly got the gruff points for the gig.  I don’t know if the Marcus Fenix voice actor actually looks like he sounds, but I’m not sure where they’re going to find a steroid-amped ape who speaks like the words are razor blades tearing the insides of his throat.  I suppose they’re going to have to start trolling around the WWE circuit, and we all know what sterling actors they all are.

Dude, they are SO using The Rock for Dom.  Mark my words.  Dwayne Johnson will be crying about his wife Maria and setting audiences’ teeth on edge everywhere.  I love The Rock, but Dom’s character got a little…well, if you’re reading this, you probably know.

So is there going to be a tie-in game for the movie?  Like Gears of War: The Movie being touted as Gears 3? The possible infinite loop between movie and video game tie-in is mind blowing.

Well, there’s no more info right now, so I’m gonna call this one.  Here’s to hoping that lightning strikes and these guys can actually crap out a decent movie.

Oh, and by the by, shout out to dmr209 for sending me the article for me to rip into.

See, that’s what happens when you send me emails.  I read them and may even use them.  In turn, my lazy ass doesn’t have to look for something to write about.  I feel it’s a win/win situation for all parties.

shanghaisix@sarcasticgamer.com or find me over at Twitter as ShanghaiSix.