Nope, no Nazi Zombies here.

Okay, I’ve got the weekends off from writing, and I’m supposed to be training up on Call of Duty 5 for the community Xbox Live hoe-down tomorrow; I haven’t finished the game yet, and apparently you need to in order to unlock the zombie map, so I should be doing that.

Come find out where my attention has drifted after the jump!

So I got up early this morning and snuck downstairs to cancel my wife and my Everquest 2 accounts; after Warcraft, I’ve just been unable to get her back into the swing of things.

Anyway, I’m poking around on Sony Online Entertainment when I see the icon for Free Realms, the free kiddie MMORPG that was released a few days ago.  I arch an eyebrow, click on it, and quickly download the client.  59 MB?  Uh oh.  That’s probably not good, seeing as the Warcraft folder on my hard drive is taking up nearly 20 gig of space.

Rolling my eyes and in the interest of gaming journalism, I forge ahead.

If you thought that Warcraft looked too cartoony and primary color-ish for your tastes, then you’re going to want to swing wide of this one. The visuals are glaringly garish as if they had been taken from Walt Disney’s own Nyquil-induced fever dreams.  Okay, they’re over-cute, similar to the visuals from Raze’s Dream.  But well drawn, and look nice.  Think if you took the graphics from Beyond Good and Evil and then vomited Playskool and Dora the Explorer all over them.

Choking on it's bile, it's adorably cute.

Okay, you get it.

Account creation: Wait, I don’t have the option to use my already in use Sony account name? Dumb. Server selections: merely US 1-10, with a button up top labeled “What’s a server?” Oh, lord.

Character creation- you pick from human male, female, fairy and..goblin?  Did I get that right?  Anyway, I took the standard generic male.  It’s the usual customization options, similar to basic Warcraft customization- hair, skin, face, facial hair, but that’s about it.

When I tried to put my name in, you need to choose a first and last name.  They give you a neat little randomizer which looks like a slot machine if you need help getting your creative juices flowing.  I went with Shanghai Sixfable…and was told that I needed to come up with another name while my name was being approved.  What?  Not sure how that works, but whatever.  This game is targeting ten year olds, so I imagine you might get some ridiculously retarded names, but to have to wait for approval?  I’ve been going for an hour now, and I still am waiting…hmmm…

What, I can't use Mary Jane Rottencrotch?

So, I warp into a lush nature setting, vibrant and alive with colors.  I am immediately greeted by an NPC, who tells me the “robgoblins” have stolen a warpstone and we need to get it back.

Hoping no one I know is watching me play this childish game, I give chase, and notice that I’m fairly certain the strange circular meter at the top of the screen that looks like it’s downloading at all times…streaming?  As in no load times in game?  Okay, that’s nice., but the pre-load ring seems like a strange thing to be showing a 10 year old.  Is Timmy the 10 year old really going to want to see how the engine runs in a car? Or does he just love the Transformer car he’s playing with?

I test out the controls, and my NPC buddy suddenly gets a large giant exclamation point over his head.  Yup, it’s the obligatory “quest giver” logo from Warcraft.  Yes, they are borrowing heavy from their older brother MMOs like Warcraft and Everquest when it comes to basic MMO look and feel.

I rescue a pig from the “robgoblins” (ugh), and am treated to a congratulatory pop up, labeling me an adventurer.  The game quickly tells me that I can any of several jobs, such as wizard, miner, chef or…go kart driver?  Wha wha what?

A little while down the road, I assist a fairy who’s party is being ruined by these robgoblins and gives me the option to either fight them or cook her a stew to make her stronger so she can fight them.  Being the aggressive donk I am, I take fighting to see what that’s about in this game.

I learn how to fight, head back, and am surprised to see that the fight is a mini-instance, where I click on the area where to start a “brawler minigame”.  It’s simple, basic Warcraft fighting, click on your target, push 1 for your attack and 2 for your power strike.  Easy.  I kill the goblins, and a giant door opens up in front of me, that takes me out of the instance and shows me my ….score?  Yes, apparently you are scored in your events, and the better you do, the better your score and subsequent reward!  Hmm…classy.  I like that.   It doesn’t tell me what the bar near my name means or the little sliver of pink and the giant 1 is for, but my trained MMO eye tells me that I have also gained “brawler” experience.  Which is different from my “adventurer” experience…hmmm.

I decided to try my hand in cooking.  I go to the cook, who sends me out to gather the ingredients for the stew I’m trying to make. This leads to a Puzzle Quest/Bejewled style mini game where you have to match three or more items.  The faster you reach your score goal, the more points, the more experience, etc.  With my new items, I head back to the chef, who shows me where I can set up to make my stew.  This leads to a Warioware style series of minigames which involves cutting, smashing flat, dropping ingredients into a pot, stirring, pouring, etc.  Clever, clever, clever.

No, there's no Silverleaf or Peacebloom. Sorry.

I leave the intro area and head to the main map, where the rest of my UI fills out with a bottom menu with big hotkeys marked “My pets” and “Play Card Game”.  The Sony store logo is also down there, trying to trick you into buying a premium account with the game, which seems to unlock more character slots and a variety of other accessories that come with “Free-mium” play games like this (thank you Penny Arcade, totally stealing that term from them).

I’ve got to stop, I’ve already wasted enough of a perfectly good morning on this nonsense.  If I would have had a hold of this when I was 10….well, it still wouldn’t have phased me as I was playing Dungeons and Dragons and struggling through Margaret Weis books at that age.

In these cash strapped economic times, free always has a nice ring to it.  And Timmy will definitely be harassing mom for “Station Cash” for micro transaction purchases.

However, we have to keep going back to my key word- innovation.  Can you say that along with me, class?  In- oh- vay- shun.  The game concept is a string of mini games with a lovingly detailed and drawn out free-roaming chat room between  events.  The interface is sharp and well thought out, making all your screens kid safe and video-game novice friendly.  They’ve definitely got something here for kids who are not big gamers, but parents who want their kids into gaming.  This seems like a no-brainer in that regard. I can see dad the Warcraft guild leader helping his son along, his heart swelling with pride as his boy clubs his first “robgoblin”.

As for the rest of you, get back to work.  Shouldn’t you be out killing zombie Nazis right now?  See you out there Sunday night!  The tag is SG Shanghai Six.

PS.  My player name was approved three hours later. Lol.

Hit me back, playa’: shanghaisix@sarcasticgamer.com, or you can find me on Twitter complaining about poker donks as ShanghaiSix.

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