“Golly gosh”, I mumbled quietly to myself as I sat hunched over my keyboard like some gargoyle Quasimodo, “this game is really surreal.”

And surreal it was, for displayed on my computer screen was a game so whimsical, so unusual, that it had oft been described as “an exercise in make-believe”.

The main character, Krelith, was stationed outside a large fort, constructed not out of conventional materials such as wood or stone, but of pillows. The delicate goose-feather-stuffed cushions, formed an intimidatingly grandiose castle, that caused the game’s protagonist, Krelith, to let loose a resonating “OMG!”

Quickly though, Krelith’s post-panic instincts kicked in. Reaching up to a rugged-looking earpiece, he barked “we need all squads on this position, now!”

A soft, clinical voice crackled back, “Affirmative, sending squad ShanghaiSix immediately”.

As he sat down by a moss coated oak tree, Krelith released a sigh of relief. Things were going to be all right. Then suddenly: THUD. The ground began to violently vibrate, pillows of various checks and fabrics flew through the smoke filled air, and then, in a moment of absolute terror, a giant star shaped monster rose out of a nearby feather pile.

It was the Monstar.

In other news, a bunch of perky word-mashers have joined the brutally snarky group of sourpusses known by some as the Sarcastic Gamer staff. Please raise your hands for PillowFort, OMG, ShanghaiSix, Monstar and Krelith, who will be strapped to their keyboards for the rest of eternity, being whipped until they type so feverishly that their fingers begin to erode at the rate of 1 inch per annum.

Leap the gulf us bloggers call ‘the jump’ to see an introduction from some of the new writers.

Krelith:

My moniker/gamertag is Krelith (that goes for PSN and XBL, and pretty much every other thing I’ve ever indulged in upon this worldwide web). I got into SG around November ‘07, primarily listening to the podcast. A few months later (four to be exact), I officially joined the forum community. I’m still not sure what pushed me to it, but I suspect there may have been subliminal messaging in said podcast episodes… Whatever the ultimate reason may or may not have been, I have not looked back on that decision (until now, apparently…). Anyhoo, I have never felt out of place in this community of both devoted and casual gamers, despite any arguments of opinion within forum threads from time to time. The Sarcastic Gamer community is a colossal part of my web-surfing life and I am proud to be able to say I can now contribute my “crazy-supreme writing skillz” to the already solid talent within the staff.

I look forward to infecting your minds with Krelisms on a regular basis!

(Oh, and sorry for the overuse of the word “community.” It’ll never happen again…………. maybe…)

PillowFort:

We live in a time of suffering and hardship, it’s easy to give up hope and surrender to ennui. All of you need someone you can count on to make you laugh, inform you, and most importantly: Motivate you. I’m PillowFort. I’m awesome.

OMG: OMG is an acronym for OldMarriedGamer, because he is. As a young lad, OMG was orphaned and then adopted by a pack of Siberian Tigers living in the mountains of Utah. Growing up in this harsh climate, he adapted to hiking, fixing Jeeps, reading (what? Tigers read!), and of course, video gaming. He is an Aquarius and enjoys long walks through the hills, quiet spring evenings under the stars, and Chuck Norris. He has a disturbed sense of humor and few real social skills. He and his wife have no children, for which she blames him and beats him almost daily with any object she can find.

Monstar: …

ShanghaiSix: Once upon a time, there was a hard-charging Airborne Ranger on his way to becoming a Green Beret.

On his way to the Special Forces Selection Course, he took a left turn at the intersection of “Fat Lazy Bastard Street” and “Married Boulevard”, which deposited him comfortably in an easy chair in front of an array of computer monitors and wide screen televisions filled with video-gamey goodness.

So, let me brush the Cheetos’ dust off my fingers and get started.

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