You see that headline up there?  That’s called sensationalism.  I’ve made it intentionally outlandish to draw you in to gawk at the spectacle.  You may be disappointed though, because what you’ve been drawn into is my attempt to “make it” in main stream journalism.  I’ve had enough of this quasi-hobby enthusiast reporting at SarcasticGamer.com and I want to make it in the big leagues.  I think I’ve seen this done enough that I have a firm grasp on how it works.

To find out who is ultimately responsible for HUNDREDS of murders, keep reading after the jump…

Okay, so we have stories with headlines such as “Father killed partner who became hooked on Sony PlayStation” coming from Telegraph.co.uk.  The story itself is not terribly surprising, but what is really surprising is how careless the reporters were on placing blame on the “Sony PlayStation” with statements like “The genesis of this tragedy bizarrely lies with the purchase of the PlayStation.”

It’s clear to me the “Sony PlayStation” isn’t to blame here, isn’t it clear to you?  As an aside, I feel the need to refer to it as the “Sony PlayStation” as well because it’s not enough to simply blame the PlayStation, you need to also associate the company behind it into the story too… right?  I’m trying to come to grips  with these cockamamie rules, but kinda hard to figure them out.

My research has led me to the conclusion that it was in fact the local power company, EON, that was directly to blame for this incident.  How could the power company be to blame you might ask?  It’s painfully clear.  The couple have a son which after a fair amount of research was determined to have been born almost exactly nine months after a 3 day power outage in the dead of winter as well as twins born similarly after an extended cold weather power outage 2 years later.  Their eldest son tied the couple together even though they were marginally compatible at best.  Then after years of the on again, off again status of their relationship it was only after the power provided by EON was used to power the 37-inch plasma television and the Sony PlayStation video game console that this grizzly act unfolded, shocking family, friends, and neighbors alike.  Some neighbors have canceled their electricity service for fear the same may happen to them.

Without the power provided by EON, the couple would have likely never had children and separated years ago and even if they hadn’t, the power wouldn’t have enabled this electronic wedge to be driven between them.  There are inconclusive studies still in the works that indicate high tension power lines outside their Long Sutton, Linconshire home may actually contribue to violent tendencies.

In light of this research, it seems that not only was the EON power company involved, they were responsible for bringing the couple together, driving them apart, and then influencing the husband to cross the lines of humanity into brutally stabbing the mother of his three children.

Okay, yeah, enough’s enough.  I can’t even pull this off in jest without laughing at it.  Here comes the same old story.  Why, oh why, does “Sony PlayStation” get the headline and closing statement of this story?  If I go on a murderous rampage and right as I’m about to kill someone I stop and down four cans of Red Bull, will the press run story after story mentioning me in very little detail but commenting on “four cans of Red Bull” each and every time?  I mean is this the high-tech equivalent of the rapist’s “she was asking for it” defense?  Playing a PlayStation and getting murdered are not related other than they both involved the same woman.

People have problems.  Some people are screwed up in the head… insane in the membrane if you will.  He kills his wife with TWO knives.  Why don’t we know the brand of knives?  I would’ve added the stabbing occurred with “two J. A. Henckels knives” if I wrote the story… Why don’t we know the brand of “37-inch plama television”?  Why is the game listed as a “violent Grand Theft Auto driving game”?  Is it being pointed out because it’s violent?  Have you watched the news lately?  Hello… the violence here wasn’t even comitted by the person playing the game!

I don’t get the purpose of this story.  A middle-aged lady got killed by her (apparently) violent “partner”, it’s a very sad and real story but when you wrap it up the way Telegraph.co.uk does, the real story loses all focus to the sensationalism it’s wrapped up in.  Matthew Moore, as the author of this article, I just want you to know what a disservice you do to your readers… spoonfeeding them crap, spinning the focus, and genuinely bringing nothing worthwhile to the table.  At least a plain obituary has some level of class and dignity.  Instead, you’ve tried to pin what was possibly Carol Cannom’s only escape from a failing relationship as the cause for her death.  Irresponsible…  make no mistake, I’m not a professional journalist, but if you are, then I guess I could be too (after a few stiff drinks and a day or two of sleep deprivation.)

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