Times haven’t changed over the centuries, since I myself was a teenage girl. Silly girls all around the world still like to swoon over cutesy pre-pubescent little boy celebrities, whose voices still crack like Peter Brady before the Brady Family Talent Show. These days, when you think of teenage heartthrobs, three names immediately come to mind: Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas. I’m not sure what is harder to believe, the fact that girls actually find these guys attractive, or that the Jonas Brothers think they’re cool enough to have their own video game.
It seems they need some direction though as to the theme of their game. The boys know that it’s going to be “awesome” and “have huge swords.” Yeah, they wish. I figured I could give them a few suggestions on the type of game they should star in. Follow the jump to hear my awesome ideas.
Maybe the Jonas boys could team up with Michael Jackson for a sequel to the Moonwalker video game. If that game doesn’t sound familiar to you, check it out here. The game is from 1990, and was for the Sega Genesis. I especially like it when Michael shoots, he does his little “Hee heee” sound. What would the storyline for this sequel be, you ask? Simple, Michael tells the Jonas Brothers that they’re a little too old for him. Hee heee! In retaliation, the guys go out and try to save the little kids from the King of Pop. This could strike a blow against pedophilia…AND convince the public that the Jonas Bros. are secure in their masculinity.
My next idea is a Disney Channel RPG. I’m thinking old school Final Fantasy for this one. The Jonas Brothers have to recruit other Disney Characters, such as Zac Efron and Ashley Tisdale from High School Musical or the Cheetah Girls, but in classic RPG class roles (like the Black Mage, White Mage, Thief, etc.). Hey, Square Enix already works with Disney on the Kindgom Hearts games, so this would be right up their alley. The only problem is, all the stars are going to want to be Bards. Because, you know…they’re all singers and stuff.
If they don’t like any of those ideas then we should just shoot them … in a game of course! Just imagine taking the formula behind the NES classic, Duck Hunt, only we’d call it “Jonas Hunt.” The three boys would fly in the air with the player only getting three shots to knock ‘em all out of the sky. Even better, if you miss all three shots, Hannah Montana rises up out of the grass to laugh at you and mock you with her toothy grin.
I would just like to state for the record, that if the Jonas Brothers come out with a game using any of the ideas I’ve written here I will insist that I get a share of their profits. I will take my 10% in the form of beer, and Teen Beat magazine … I’m still working on my Rob Lowe and NKOTB poster collection.
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For the good of humanity, *I* would play Jonas Hunt. It’s a far more noble cause for preserving society than the premise behind “Left 4 Dead.” I’m so glad that once their little man marbles descend that it will all be over. The problem with killing off boy bands is that every time we do, another one rises from the ashes like an annoying phoenix. One that sings and dances about life experiences that never were but sell records.
Thanks for the article, Jax.
itll sell 8 copies. i can predict this kind of shit