Ever wondered how it’s possible to milk a MySim? EA certainly knows how, since they’ve just announced two brand new games for the Nintendo-friendly MySims franchise and, oddly, they have nothing to do with the Sims-lite gameplay the original game offered. They’re, ugh, a party game and a ‘funky, slap-dash, *generic family friendly adjective*’ kart racer.

Why why why why why? Join me after the jump, as I try to answer this most involving of questions. And fail, probably.

Earlier today, EA dutifully did as they always did and dropped an annoying email into my inbox to blabber about their latest press release. Usually they go straight into the bin but this one screamed MEDIA ALERT in the subject line, as if it were deadly serious. Then slapped “MySims Racing” straight after that, which gave me more of a heart attack than the caps-frenzy that came before it.

MySims Racing? Has the Sims-lite franchise already been so exhausted of ideas that EA have turned it into a kart racer, never mind a mediocre party game? All sorts of franchises reach desperation point at some time or another: Crash Bandicoot waited three platformers before releasing Crash Team Racing and, um, party game Crash Bash, whereas MySims has lasted just two (the original and medieval-style sequel Kingdom).

Ah, but of course, this is EA we’re talking about. I thought they were past this crap, but it looks like they’ll still cash in on any franchise whenever they can! You’ll have to forgive me for forgetting this for a few paragraphs, but since we’re on track now we can talk properly about why these new games even exist. The press release even saves me the trouble, with this quote from the series’ ‘Executive In Charge’ (what?):

“When we created the MySims world, we believed that the MySims characters could be part of a variety of different gaming experiences.”

In English, this classic example of PR speak means “When one of our lowest-paid designers pitched this laughable idea to our board of directors, they instantly knew they could spin a huge amount of money-making BS out of it with little effort or originality.”

If you don’t mind me saying, I feel there’s a right to be cynical. Yes, EA are a company, and companies need to make money, but I was so sure that they were done being the industry’s “EA”; I thought ActiBlizzard had claimed that position by leeching every last ounce of life out of Guitar Hero. Obviously not. Instead, we’ve got a party game that lets you “shake your groovy [sic] thing with DJ Candy” or even “rock out with Air-Guitar-Star”. Air-Guitar-Star? Are EA even TRYING?

Naturally, you can only guess which consoles these games will be hitting. If you’re thinking the Wii and the DS (and I know you are) then you’re right, as they’re just about the only platform on earth that would accept these, and their consumer base is pretty much the only one who would buy such dregs. Aren’t there already enough party games on the Wii anyway?

I’m not even going to bother the Flickr photostream with screenshots, so you can go find them elsewhere. These games are not worth any more of my time. Trust me when I say my cynicism is not misplaced. Don’t believe me? One part of the press release for MySims Party describes how you can “join Goth Boy on a first person shooter mission”. Goth Boy? That almost seems familar. And that was a friggin’ fiction article, I didn’t think any of that would come true.