Alright, I’m going to level with you. I have been pretty disappointed with this blog lately. It is not because we don’t produce awesome content, or we ignore childhood afflictions. Everyone knows that our articles are totally radical and that we excel at raising money for pediatric cancer research. However, I find that we, as of late, have failed to properly focus on some of the more laughable game announcements.  That is a situation that I, with the help of “DanceDanceRevolution: Disney Grooves,” am here to rectify.

As you might have guessed, “DDR: Disney Grooves” is another game in Konami’s music franchise. It is the third Disney-themed game in the series, following the releases of “Dance Dance Revolution Disney Mix” and “Dance Dance Revolution Disney Channel Edition” on the PlayStation and PlayStation 2, respectively. The game is slated for a March 2009 release for Nintendo’s Wii. Now that you know the basics, it is time to rip this game a new one. Small children please look away; this isn’t going to be pretty.

I am going to try something new. Without any footage or screenshots from the game, I don’t feel that I can adequately determine the title’s quality. Therefore, instead, I came up with a list of ten things I would rather do than play this game. I apologize for creating yet another list, but I promise you won’t be disappointed. If you don’t laugh at least twice, then you will be entitled to a refund. Sorry, I forgot you don’t pay anything to enjoy my witty writing. I guess you are sh** out of luck.

1) I would rather hit myself in the groin with a hammer than play “DDR: Disney Grooves.”

I realize that this has become somewhat of a cliché, but nothing expresses opposition to an activity more efficiently than saying you would be more willing to take a shot to the gonads.

2) I would rather take a 40-minute cold shower while Boy George sings “Karma Chameleon” than play “DDR: Disney Grooves.”

I probably don’t need to explain why cold showers are terrible. We have water heaters for a reason. However, I can guarantee that more than a few of you snickered when I mentioned the popular Culture Club tune. While I don’t mind the song, I think a continuous loop of it might force me to rip my ears off of my head. Also, I might change my mind if the flamboyant musician decides to go hands-on.  However, for now, let this statement show my dislike of all things “DDR.” And yes, it doesn’t matter that the game will feature “some of the most popular Disney characters of all-time including Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald and Daisy along with enhanced graphics and 40 favorite Disney tunes.”

3) I would rather wrestle a wild boar blindfolded than play “DDR: Disney Grooves.”

Sure, grappling with a tusked beast would probably result in a loss of eyesight and complete disembowelment, but the same things could happen if I played the game. IGN has reported that the title will “challenge the physical limits of experienced players” with its “Workout Mode, Training Mode and Advanced Mode.” It will also have “a My Studio mode that enables players to take pictures of their customized characters, or strike a pose with classic Disney characters.” Yea, I could definitely see myself going blind and regurgitating my own entrails.

4) I would rather top off a handful of buttered popcorn Jelly Belly jelly beans with a cool asparagus and mayonnaise shake than play “DDR: Disney Grooves.”

This volatile combination is enough to make any competitive eater’s stomach turn. Buttered popcorn is a tasty treat enjoyed by many moviegoers. However, it has no business being an artificially-flavored capsule-shaped candy. The infusion of mayo into the equation produces a recipe for disaster. I realize that many people enjoy it, but the sight of mayonnaise makes me want to puke. Not only does it look disgusting, but the foul-smelling condiment has a lard-like texture. Still, not as bad as the newest “DDR” game.

5) I would rather listen to an entire Godsmack album than play “DDR: Disney Grooves.”

Actually, nevermind. Not even the “DDR” franchise is as terrible as Godsmack’s music.

The second half of the list is on page two.

Tweet This Post

CONTINUE TO PAGE: 1 2