I know I haven’t written anything for SG.com in awhile, but I just had to beg Lono to let me post this review of the most craptacular game of all time. That’s right, I’m talking about the most coveted of all XBLA arcade titles: Braid. It may be tearing up the metacritic chart and winning over the hearts of reviewers everywhere, don’t believe the hype. There must be some serious under-the-table deals going on between Microsoft and reviewers, because this is the biggest rip-off in the history of gaming.
Follow me across the jump into the land of enlightenment to read a real, unbought review of Braid.
Gameplay: Kiddie. Let’s start with the most basic of video game features: Gameplay. Speaking of basic, games don’t come any more basic than this. I hope you remember the days of gaming on an Atari, because this is the exact same experience. A joystick and one button, that’s all you get. None of those fancy triggers and bumpers needed, because all you get to do is walk and jump, that’s it. Hell, even the original Mario Bros gave you a second button that you could run and shoot fireballs with. The game will technically let you use X, but all it does is make you walk backwards and turns everything gray, so they might as well not even included it, since the point of completing a game is to go forward, not backwards. Seriously, what were these developers thinking?
Text on picture: Somebody forgot to hit A…the only freakin’ button in the game!
Sound: Tin can crap. The music and sound effects are great…if you’re an insomniac or a time traveler from 1983. I almost had to glue my eyelids open trying to complete this game, that’s how sleep-inducing the music is. One of the levels even has the song from those old school music boxes with the tiny ballerinas, I kid you not. Not only is the music boring, but sometimes it doesn’t even work. There’s one level in particular where the music will just stop and start for no good reason. You’ll be walking along trying to stay awake, stop to look at something, or climb a ladder and the music just stops You’ll sit there in complete silence waiting to see if your 360 is about to red ring, until you get bored and try moving and then the music starts up again. I bet I experienced this over a hundred times while playing through that level. That’s just inexcusable for a major glitch like that to be in one of the most expensive XBLA titles out there.
Storyline: What storyline? Everybody loves a good storyline, right? Well don’t play Braid then, because it doesn’t have one. To be honest, I’m not sure if what it has should even be considered a storyline. The only remnants of a story are books sitting on podiums before you enter each level. Each book consists of one page of text (what a waste of paper) talking about some nonsensical story involving the main character trying to find his long lost princess. How original. I didn’t play this game to read…
Do you really need an entire book for three sentences?
It gets worse on page 2…
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17 responses so far ↓
1 jcblough // Aug 15, 2008 at 9:27 am
Okay, that was pretty damn funny. I’d say honestly the game rates somewhere in between this review and every other one out there. It isn’t crap but it is hardly the second coming.
2 Edthefreak // Aug 15, 2008 at 9:41 am
Haha, hilarious. I believed it for like two seconds when I saw the title, until I was like… “Fiction Friday.” I just hope this doesn’t attract a lot of people who don’t know the site because then you are going to get A LOT of hatemail. Good Fiction Friday post nontheless.
3 Iota // Aug 15, 2008 at 9:54 am
Ah, dammit. I completely forgot it was friday. You got me.
4 Legendary Hooligan // Aug 15, 2008 at 10:27 am
ditto iota. whether you’re serious or not, you’re gonna get a lot of hate for this. brace yourself.
one question; why the hell is it called braid?
5 DWK // Aug 15, 2008 at 10:41 am
We’ve gotta dig this one guys, you know it will be funny to see all of the fish!
6 Saccia // Aug 15, 2008 at 10:43 am
@Legendary Holligan: did you play the demo? It pretty much tells you why it’s called Braid.
@Yousty: eh… I would have appreciated an actual review rather than a Fiction Friday post. I’m kind of curious about what the SG guys really think. Lono hates it but he didn’t get past that “sticking point” that most people first get stuck on. It’s once you realize how to solve that puzzle that you get what this game is about.
7 Lono // Aug 15, 2008 at 10:52 am
i never said I hated it, I just wasn’t interested enough to buy it.
8 Wingman709 // Aug 15, 2008 at 10:56 am
I know this was posted as being “sarcastic” but I agree with the review 100%. The game is nothing but a blatant rip off of other games, its over priced, and the music alone will put you to sleep before you complete the first world.
This review needs to be posted as REAL and not as a parody.
Braid DOES SUCK.
9 Live4Him // Aug 15, 2008 at 11:14 am
You had me until I clicked the “Continue Reading” button, because I read the Fiction Friday tag, which wasn’t very long.
On a side note: YOUSTY WROTE AN ARTICLE! WOOHOO!!!
10 Archivist777 // Aug 15, 2008 at 11:20 am
I was hoping this review was real, because I played the demo and didn’t find it interesting enough to buy, especially for $15. I’ve been so confused by all the positive reviews out there. I guess maybe I don’t know what I’m missing but I don’t care.
11 piston11792 // Aug 15, 2008 at 1:05 pm
i was about to go completley fanboy and rant about this absurd article, until i realized its friday. HAHA very funny u really had me going and im sure it caught many other readers off gaurd. Keep up the good work!
12 RK1 FaMiCuS // Aug 15, 2008 at 4:03 pm
If it wasn’t Friday, I’m sure your inbox would have been completely filled about how this Review = Bad.
13 RobT // Aug 15, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Lol nice work! watch them flock
14 ammen // Aug 16, 2008 at 2:01 am
hey, im not used to this site and i was just about 2 smack u because i dont know about fiction friday . “Why press the x button, it just makes everything gray” LOL.
another funny part was when he said the music in that one level was a glitch ahahah
15 SG Podcast fan // Aug 16, 2008 at 3:39 am
Way to go! you roped me in through N4G
Digg Dugg.
16 PillowFort // Aug 16, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Oh man, this was a serious rage engaged.
Successful troll is successful.
17 ASmellyPiratHkr // Oct 2, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Braid=good
Sarcasm=misdirected
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