The U.S. economy is in pretty shabby condition. With food and fuel prices rising, many are finding it increasingly more difficult to make ends meet. Things don’t look to get any easier for the large number of individuals that recently found themselves on the wrong end of Activision Blizzard’s imposing unemployment ax. After thorough examination of upcoming releases, the company has decided to drop numerous IPs, which included “Ghostbusters: The Video Game,” “Brutal Legend,” “50 Cent: Blood on the Sand” and “The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena.”

However, is Activision Blizzard really an evil, monolithic corporation? After all, the company is merely attempting to ensure that it is profitable for the foreseeable future. Activision CEO Bobby Kotick recently sat down with Sarcastic Gamer for an in-depth interview. What I found out was more terrifying than I could have ever imagined.

Every new beginning brings the end of something else. Sadly, for a number of individuals at High Moon Studios and Radical Entertainment, the birth of Activision Blizzard has brought about the end of their tenure with the company. High Moon Studios was responsible for “The Bourne Conspiracy,” while Radical Entertainment developed “The Simpsons: Hit & Run,” “Scarface: The World Is Yours” and “The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction.” “Prototype” and “Crash Bandicoot: Mind over Mutant,” which are currently under development at Radical, were recently added to Activision Blizzard’s portfolio.

Kotick revealed to me the reason behind the layoffs. He admitted that the decision to fire more than 100 employees was extremely satisfying because he grew tired of having to accept a smaller cut of the company’s profits.

I didn’t even know most of those people. In fact, before I fired them, I couldn’t even tell you their names. I think there might have been a few Steves; maybe a Helen or two. I am still not really sure. However, I do know that I love money. It is what motivates me to get up in the morning. Every night, before I go to sleep, I jump into a vat of Vaseline and $100 bills.

Kotick, after assuring me that Vaseline feels good against his naked body, explained that he would fire Santa Claus if he wasn’t a fictitious entity.

“Everyone is expendable,” the Activision chief said. “Santa, the Easter Bunny, Simba from the “Lion King” and even that cute leprechaun from the Lucky Charms box would be on the chopping block.”

Kotick then detailed the company’s future plans. In short, he wants to focus on focus on successful franchises that are guaranteed to sell well.

My strategy is pretty simple. We are going to pinpoint successful IPs and then exploit the living hell out of them. The “Guitar Hero” franchise is a perfect example. Can you believe people actually bought that stupid Aerosmith version? Thanks to those morons, you can expect “Guitar Hero: Lou Bega” and “Guitar Hero: Boy George” next year. I don’t know if either artist uses a guitar, but I figured that slapping “Guitar Hero” on a box would be sufficient.

This is where things got really weird. Before I could spit out another question, Yamster walked into SG headquarters (he takes daily flights from Glasgow). I looked over to see my interviewee salivating over a Zebra Cake that Yamster was holding in his hand. In a matter of seconds, the Activision CEO sprung across the room and snatched the treat out of the Scot’s hands. After devouring the hilariously-named delicacy, Kotick proceeded to rip his own head off to reveal that his human face was actually a mask. Shockingly, underneath that human costume, Kotick is really one-third grizzly bear, one-third orca and one-third sausage grinder.

Before I could say anything, the grotesque beast slashed Yamster across the chest and escaped out an open window. I called for help once I was able to regain the ability to speak. Unfortunately, Yamster is in critical condition. Dave is currently attempting to learn voodoo in an effort to revive him. Hopefully Dave is a quick learner. We need Yamster to submit his daily total of five articles.

Please be advised that the monstrosity known as Kotick is still on the loose. Do not attempt to engage the monster. If you are cornered by the beast, just give it money. That seems to placate it.

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