We’ve all been there. A hot new game is coming out on a frickin’ TUESDAY, and you have to work at your stupid job when what you really want to do is curl up in a beanbag with a controller in your hand playing Left 4 Duty 6: Evolved online with your friends. It sucks. Of course there’s always the chance you could call in sick to your job, but if the boss gets hip to your jive, you could find yourself with a lot more time to play games than you bargained (or budgeted) for.
To help you when you need it most, I am sharing 5 near-bulletproof ways to miss work to play a new game WITHOUT having to use your vacation days, and WITHOUT drawing too many questions from an annoying supervisor. Almost all of these excuses involve my zero-paperwork/zero-proof philosophy.
When just “being sick” in general won’t cut it….
- Diarrhea - Friends, this is the best reason for missing work ever. Everyone has had that killer case of the squirts before, and nobody (including your boss) wants to hear any more details. Tell your boss you are cramping and doubled over with Diarrhea and he’ll totally let you off the hook. For added effect make the call from somewhere in your home that echoes. This excuse is pretty much a one-time deal, so use it wisely.
- Pipe Burst - Water damage is serious business, and if your boss is a homeowner he/she will cringe when you tell them that a pipe has burst in your home and that a plumber is coming and you have to be here to change out buckets until they arrive. To help sell the effect, repeatedly ask your boss to hold on for a second and slosh around a plastic cup in a full bathtub. (Single use excuse only)
- Mother is VERY sick - A sick aging parent is a pretty hard excuse for any boss with a heart to question. This excuse actually has some replay value, as sick older people tend to stay that way. Just be sure you have a healthy balance in your karma account before attempting this one.
- Carpool accident - Notice I didn’t say CAR accident. You were riding with a friend to work as was suggested in the company’s new “Going Green Guide” when that friend who works for another company turned in front of a watermelon truck and blam! You thought you were a goner. You’re okay physically, but you’re really shaken up and its probably best that you try and calm down before trying to drive yourself to work. This excuse is pretty solid because you were released at the scene and your FRIEND is the one who got the injuries. You can’t be asked to produce medical records because you weren’t hurt and your friend is a very private person with HEPA protection. By making it in your FRIEND’S car you avoid the embarrassment of showing up to work in an undamaged vehicle on Wednesday.
- Fibromyalgia - Claim to have this disease and you’re virtually assured of a free pass whenever you want it. The disease’s symptoms are as numerous as they are arbitrary. The downer here is that you’re going to need to go to the doctor at some point to get your official diagnosis, but once you have that you can pretty much get any prescription painkiller you want, call in sick whenever you want, and even get a pretty blue tag for your rearview mirror. There’s no sure-fire test for it and once you’ve got your symptoms memorized even an expert will give you the ominus dominus of being an officially unwell person. Fibromyalgia is by far the most reusable of any of these excuses. I have never attempted this myself and reccomend it only to HARDCORE gamers who don’t mind never being able to get a pilots license or operate a crane in the future.
Please keep in mind that you’re going to have to choose your battles. This November when trip-A material is dropping daily, you are going to have to choose what’s more important to you. Personally, I’m saving number 5 for Far Cry 2 (specifically the map editor). I think my pancreas is going to be aching for at least 3 days… maybe more.
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22 responses so far ↓
1 DeathByWaffle // Aug 26, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Is “Carpool accident” really that believable? Seriously, if I was a boss I would really doubt that. The others are good though.
2 Havok Saunders // Aug 26, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I think explosive diarrhea would be more full proof than simple diarrhea. Be sure to mention that you ate Mexican food for dinner the previous night.
3 ProudlyAnAddict // Aug 26, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Lol except the carpool they are pretty good
hey doc whats your boss’ email? i need to tell him to check out this site or the article
4 The Dutch Don // Aug 26, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I “work from home” on a regular base…
If you’re working for a company where they have this policy make sure you take in between sprints when it comes to your workload, then you can pull this off whenever you want. I’ll explain “in between sprints”; Say you want to game all day on Thursday. On the days prior work a bit harder so you have done the work you would do when you actually would work from home. On Wednesday when you’re about to go home tell your boss what you’ll be working on the next day (this is stuff you’ve already finished). When you go to work on Friday you’ve got something to show for while the day before you didn’t work a single minute. To give it some extra credit, send out an email to people you work with on a daily base that you’ll be working from home but they can reach you by phone for urgent stuff and copy your boss on it. NO ONE has ever called me, EVER…
5 andyg // Aug 26, 2008 at 1:09 pm
dia-doody is a sure fire, because face it, would you really admit that if you had it or not?
6 Cody // Aug 26, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I also think that the car pool story is a bit weak? Someone in the office will know that your usually drive with your own car because they see you arrive, recognise your car in the parking lot or see you leave with your car. You also would have to call from the outside since the crash just happened a few minutes ago so the surrounding noises have to fit too.
7 Infneon // Aug 26, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Just mention in your boss you have irritable bowel syndrome (I have it, it ain’t funny) and you can pretty much use the Diarrhoea excuse as many times as you want
8 Alymon // Aug 26, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Fibromyalgia isn’t a joke.
9 Doc // Aug 26, 2008 at 1:52 pm
@Alymon
You’re right. This makes it perfect.
10 Alymon // Aug 26, 2008 at 1:59 pm
My point is, if people start claiming “Fibromyalgia” as an excuse, then those that truly have it and have to deal with it every day will suffer.
11 Danny Boy // Aug 26, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Just tell them you got Colon Blow.
12 Yamster // Aug 26, 2008 at 3:01 pm
@Alymon: I guess you’re forgetting what this site’s called.
13 Natas // Aug 26, 2008 at 3:25 pm
My dentist told me that I need to have my wisdom teeth yanked, so I asked him if it could wait until November. He said that would be fine, so I called the oral surgeon and scheduled my appointment for November 10. I could tell they thought it was weird to schedule the procedure so far out, but I will now get at least two days off of work (and probably a third) for Gears 2.
14 Heh // Aug 26, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Just a few thoughts,
1) HEPA? Like hepatitis? Its HIPAA. But I suppose a person with HEPA problems would want to remain private
2) Fibromyalgia is awesome, it is predominantly a disease of exlusion… That means the doc has to exclude every other possible reason for your complaint before tacking you with this gem so they can send you to a “pain specialist” (read: Therapist)
15 LegendSnake08 // Aug 26, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Death in the family, urgent out of country trip, a burned arm (put a bandage with some ketchup beneath it when u show up for work and keep it for a week or two), or you can always call em and tell em im sick and the doctor recommends Gears of War 2 or Resistance 2.
16 jcblough // Aug 26, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Amateurs. . .
Sick kids - trump card. And kids can stay sick a solid week. This is a no brainer. If you don’t have a kids, I suggest adopting one for this purpose alone. My first two kids have been pretty healthy, and I’m looking to get this fixed. . .
17 koves17 // Aug 26, 2008 at 7:40 pm
one word, priapism. for those who don’t know…
Priapism (Ancient Greek: ??????????) is a potentially harmful and painful medical condition in which the erect penis does not return to its flaccid state, despite the absence of both physical and psychological stimulation, within four hours. Priapism is considered a medical emergency, which should receive proper treatment by a qualified medical practitioner.
The name comes from the Greek god Priapus, referring to the myth that he was punished by the other gods for attempting to rape a goddess, by being given a huge, but useless, set of wooden genitals.
18 Tictoon // Aug 26, 2008 at 10:57 pm
^ that is surprisingly funny
19 MvM // Aug 26, 2008 at 11:26 pm
My dad has Fibromyalgia, and I also agree it is not a joke. I’m sure you could have come up with something else for #5. Cause making fun of Fibromyalgia is just not funny at all.
20 typhoon // Aug 27, 2008 at 2:28 am
never have to produce a piece of paper from the doc saying im sick just call up sorry cant come in feeling sick
21 Jarrett // Aug 27, 2008 at 11:14 am
Hmm. When I DO get a job, I’ll be sure to use these.
22 Doc // Aug 27, 2008 at 4:20 pm
@MvM and others
Probably could have used better judgement. I have received quited an education in FM in the last 24 hours.
Apologies.
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