Yes it’s true, this is an article which features a DS game and four Wii games. That’s right, a DS game on Sarcastic Gamer. Honest.

My internet was down over the weekend and as someone who spends a worrying percentage of their life on the internet, I had nothing to do and was incredibly bored. So, in true gamer style, I decided to buy 1 single player game to keep me busy…

…I ended up buying 5 games: 4 Wii games and 1 DS game and, after spending a decent amount of time with all of them, I’m ready to give you my impressions.

Time for a bit of reverse psychology: don’t hit the jump and don’t read the article.

I’m a fairly cynical person. For instance if someone asks me what I’m doing, I will usually reply saying I’m talking to the person in question, breathing, or maintaining my homeostatic status and that’s why, if I’m harsh on these games, you have no one to blame other than the rabid cattle who raised me. Good ol’ Mooey, a tragic loss…

Anyway, let’s look at some games.

Elite Beat Agents (DS) - Metacritic 87:

Is it an elite status game, or has it been beaten down by a group of agents?

Elite Beat Agents may not have the greatest game title in the world, but then again neither does Bus Simulator 2008 and that’s still an awesome game. Elite Beat Agents is a rhythm game and a good one at that. The basic premise is that numbered notes appear on screen that have circles of varying size shrinking around them. When the shrinking circle is the same size as the numbered note, you tap it with the stylus and then go onto the next number (you have to hit the notes in numerical order). It’s as simple as pudding. Apple and raspberry pudding to be precise. And yes, I do mean pudding, not pie.

Anyway, the game’s difficulty gets gradually more and more complex as more and more notes appear on screen, with increasingly faster songs. There are also notes where you must hold the stylus on the screen and follow a preset path, as well as spinning a giant spinner as fast as possible at the end of a song.

The songs are very varied ranging from the suicide inducing ‘You’re the Inspiration’ to the cunningly spelled ‘Sk8er Boi’ (it’s down with the kids). Most of the music though is good and will give you plenty of weird stares when your head banging to a particularly funky tune on the bus. One of the best aspects of the game is its story, which may sound surprising.

Each song in the game has its own story. After choosing the song it plays a comic book style sequence introducing the story. Then after each section of the song, depending on whether you’ve failed or passed, it will play a short comic book, then carry on.

This is a truly great game and for only £10 in the UK it’s definitely worth it. I’m sure it’s cheap in the US as well so go out there and buy it.

No More Heroes (Wii) - Metacritic 83:

Is it a heroic effort, or a hero no more?

Let me start by saying that No More Heroes was made by Suda 51, the guys who made Killer7. So immediately we can tell that it’s not gonna be your run of the mill bog standard game. In fact it’s far from it. In its basic form, No More Heroes is a third person beat ‘em up/hack ‘n slash. At the start of the game your character is the number 11 assassin in the world, but this isn’t good enough for him and he wants to become number 1. This boils down to taking out 11 bosses throughout the game.

Now, I’ve only played the first level of this game, but I know from watching reviews there is an entire free roaming city to explore and side missions to take up, as well as a money system and new moves. However as I only played the first level, I didn’t have any new moves and found the combat system a little basic. There are high and low attacks (holding the Wii mote vertical or horizontal) where a stun and basic hit move can be performed. If an enemy is stunned, then you can do a throw. Basic. I’m positive the game will open up to reveal so many different moves that my Wii will catch fire and my head explode, but these are my inital impressions, not a review and I say that the combat system is too basic.

The graphics are quite stylised and look great, the music is ok and the killing is quite satisfying, or at least it would be if the European version had blood in it. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty confident that when a person’s head falls off money does not pour out of their severed neck. This will be no problem for those of you in the US of A as the blood was not censored out of the NTSC version, but for those in Europe (like me), your stuck with bodies fading out leaving a pile of money behind them. If real life was really like that then blood splatter analysts would be out of a job and instead they’d need money splatter analysts who would just end up robbing the crime scene.

Zack and Wiki: Quest for Barbaro’s Treasure (Wii) - Metacritic 87:

Is it treasure at the end of a quest, or a barbaric game that’s as bad as vandalism on Wikipedia?

Zack and Wiki: Quest for Barbaro’s Treasure (not to be confused with Wiki and Zack: Mission for Barbara’s Prize) is a classic point and click adventure for the Wii. By point and click adventure, I mean that you point and click on stuff with the Wii mote in order to solve mind boggling conundrums. At the beginning of the game you find a talking gold skull that ends up convincing you into finding all the parts of his body so that he can walk, talk and eat chicken as he used to before he was cursed.

The game is split into levels (wow, really?) with each one giving you a part of the crazy golden pirate skull’s body upon completion. When you enter a level the treasure chest that contains the body part is usually right within your reach, but things are never as they seem. If you walk across to open the chest straight away you may fall through the floor, get killed by a trap or trap the chest so that you can’t reach it. Therefore you have to solve the puzzles of the level in order to get the treasure. The puzzles are all pretty original and even the most intelligent amongst us (*cough*) will have to scratch their heads and think.

The game makes great use of the Wii’s motion sensing with many opportunities to pull levers, drop sleeping mushrooms and grab keys. The graphics and sound are great, though Wiki’s voice is as grating as a cheese grater.

All in all, just buy it. You won’t regret it. Well, unless you don’t own a Wii, in which case you probably would regret it and, in all fairness, I can see why.

Super Paper Mario (Wii) - Metacritic 85:

Is it a super piece of origami, or a soggy paper cup?

Poor poor Mario. Nintendo have milked this franchise so much that I bet Mario’s udders have been substantially eroded and that’s not a very nice image at all. However, the problem with all these Mario games, is that they’re consistently good, and this is no exception. Super Paper Mario combines the wonders of Paper Mario, with the thrills or Super Mario leaving you with a platforming RPG.

Super Paper Mario’s main feature is the ability to switch between 2D and 3D worlds. At any point in the game you can just press a button and the world will go 3D (though Mario, being made of paper and all, remains 2D). All this boils down to however is making it harder to kill enemies and letting you walk round pipes that are in your way.

I’ve only played about an hour of this game so I know nothing of the RPG elements or the Pixels, but they probably do stuff as well. Look at a review if your interested.

So far I’m fairly impressed with the game, so I would recommend a purchase, but then again I’ve barely played it so don’t blame me if it’s a terrible terrible game.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess - Metacritic 95:

Is it a legendary game worthy of a princess, or a twilight game (when rated on a light scale with bright light being good and dark being bad)?

I’m not even going to bother with this one. It’s Zelda and it’s a lot of fun.

Good on you! You reached the end. As usual the comment box is available for commenting so go and comment in it.