Some days I really do struggle to find something to write about. Then some mornings I wake up and realize that a company has practically written my article for me. Today, Sony was nice enough to do this for me.

At Sony’s corporate strategy meeting, Kaz Harai laid out how the company, which has been sucking wind financially since it launched the PS3, was going to turn itself around and show a profit THIS YEAR.

DAYUM. That’s a tall order. So how is he going to pull that off? Purely hysterical… at least to a sarcastic bastard like me. I get obnoxious after the jump.

Okay so in this glorified powerpoint presenation given by the Kazster, he laid out just how he planned to get the rest of the water out of the belly of the SS Playstation 3. What I found shocking, was that even without a lick of business sense, even I could have come up with this stuff. Below are excerpts from the “Bold, New Strategy” for Kaz Harai. (with my unsolicited comments and exaggerated explanation… of course.)

• Accelerating cost down efforts
» Chip shrink

Roughly translated, don’t be surprised if you crack open your PS3 one day and see it’s somehow running on a processor made by “Fung’s Discount Wholesale One-off ‘Sell’ processors.”

» Reducing the number of components

I’m not sure removing the Blu ray player is going to help sales, but its worth a try!

• Strengthening the management

Sony managers will apparently be in a better position too lead if they stop doing so much cardio, and hit the weights. Expect Kaz to be totally ripped by fall. I’m getting intimidated already!

» Organizational Review

In other words motherf**kers are getting fired. Either that or they’re going on a MASSIVE run to the Container Store. Anyone need a new garbage can or a nice desk tote?

» Further reductions in SGA (Essentially Sales and office workers)

Called it! Always a great idea, when your sales aren’t what you want them to be, to eliminate jobs that involve… selling. Kinda sad that when people in high places screw up a company, the first out the door is Tom the accountant. It’s a sad, cruel world Tom. Get used to it. It’s probably easier when you call it SGA reduction rather than “Putting a strain on Tom’s family and marriage.”

• Introducing more new and exciting titles

Really? You’re going to introduce more new and exciting titles. While a brilliant move that none of the competition is likely to even attempt, there’s a little problem here. It’s JUNE. Just how exactly is Sony going to poop out new and exciting titles by DECEMBER? Everything else has been introduced. What this really means is that Little Big Planet better sell like there’s no tomorrow… or there will LITERALLY BE no tomorrow.

• Enriching non-game content and services

Sell more movies and wallpaper.

• Enhancing PlayStation Network

I pray that this means letting people connect with friends in a game of Warhawk without having to completely exit the damned application to send them an invite.

• Expanding the market by further increasing the hardware installed base

This is the big one. The way Sony is going to hit profitability in 2008 REVEALED. “Sell more consoles.” WOW! Lookout Joystiq and Kotaku! I called this one first! SONY IS GOING TO DO IT BABY! All they have to do is sell more consoles! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT!? ONLY Kaz Harai.

I wonder what LAST year’s plan looked like. Apparently it wasn’t ALL bad, because this has been a better year for Sony, but up to this point that’s like saying “My car wasn’t THAT totalled in the crash”

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