President Bush appealed to fellow world leaders at the G8 summit in Japan earlier this week for assistance with a mysterious “ghost city” in eastern California, whose people appear not to exist. The appeal comes three weeks after the President paid a visit to the metropolis in question, known as Paradise City. The city has recently been the subject of an update known only as ‘Cagney’, which brought it to the President’s attention.

Read more about Bush’s visit to Paradise City and about his appeal for aid after the jump.

Aside from discussing vital issues such as climate change and the imminent threat of recession in both the UK and the United States, President Bush took the oppurtunity as Commander in Chief to address the seven other world leaders (including British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and the Japanese PM Yasuo Fukada, who hosted the summit) and voice his concerns about Paradise City following his visit some weeks previously.

“I heard all this chitchat about Paradise City, California, receiving some kind of update and I will admit I had never visited the area previously to my recent venture,” commented the President while addressing his fellow world leaders in Japan. “In order to congratulate the city on its renovation program I decided to pay a visit and offer my best wishes for the future.”

“I was however surprised to find that there was nobody present in Paradise City. Nobody staffed the shops or manned the toll booths, which were left open - in fact, I couldn’t find a barrier at any toll booth in the city. And that freeway? It went nowhere.”

Mr Bush went on to remark about the various gas stations and respray shops for cars, noting that his motorcade accidentally travelled through the latter and within seconds was resprayed with all the colours of the rainbow.

“I didn’t see nobody operating a spray can, there were no doors for people to walk in, I couldn’t see through the windows, nothin’! Same goes for the gas stations and the car repair shops. I even tried stopping a car and asking for directions, but there was nobody inside! All those cars were driving themselves! The place is a ghost town! How can a city go through a renovation upgrade when there ain’t anybody there doing the work?”

The President also remarked that there was a newspaper available, albeit with unnamed writers who mentioned the mysterious “Cagney” renovation, and even a radio station for Paradise City manned by a DJ known only as “Atomika”. According to Mr Bush, the anonymous disc jockey encouraged dangerous driving and, more importantly, over-zealous fuel consumption. “We’re here to stop this sort of thing happening! Isn’t that the point of this summit?”

Other world leaders failed to share the President’s concerns, not least French President Nicholas Sarkozy, who remarked something about “zem cray-zee Americans and zeir foolish leetle minds” under his breath before making his excuses and leaving the conference early. The remaining world leaders followed up Mr Bush’s speech with much head-nodding and smiles, making condescending promises that the Paradise City situation would be resolved as soon as possible.

The conference ended with Mr Brown giving the President a gentle pat on the head, a stellar hand on the shoulder, and a gentle promise that “everything would be alright” before strolling away, humming the opening riffs of some classic Guns N’ Roses.

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