This Sunday I…

• Warned my wife what I was up to.
• Set my kids up with a stack of packaged snacks and put Noggin on so loud they couldn’t help but pay attention.
• Poured myself a huge iced tea.
• Turned off my phone.

It was my goal this Sunday to finish Grand Theft Auto 4, but thanks to a small virtual accessory, and a few other annoyances… I failed.

Find out why after the jump.

It should have been the perfect day. The stars had aligned for a record-breaking game marathon in the Doc household. My wife was going out with friends, the kids were occupied and relatively disease-free, meaning less need for daddy.

I set out trying to clear the full set of missions for each of the various characters in the game. I finished Packie, Ray, several UL missions all with ease. Then came the mission from Francis, where I was to knock off a lawyer.

“Be sure to wear a suit,” he said. What he should have said was, “Be sure to wear ONLY a suit and NOTHING ELSE WHATSOEVER.” That would have saved me 90 minutes of frustration and quiet cursing.

“Make sure to wear a suit and tie and smart shoes,” said the dialog each time I tried to enter the law offices to carry out my mission. I thought the use of the word smart seemed odd, and focused on that.

I was already dressed pretty schnazzy in a black suit and tie, with black wingtips. Maybe not GQ, but Niko Belic never looked better, in my opinion.

So I ran a block or so to Perseus to change into “SMART” shoes. Black loafers seemed smart to me. I ran back down the street and prepared to do battle with the unsuspecting attorney.

“Make sure to wear a suit and tie and smart shoes.”

Denied.

Ran back to Perseus. For God’s sake no way they want me wearing the brown loafers with the black suit. Oh well, maybe that’s SMART attire.

“Make sure to wear a suit and tie and smart shoes”

I went for the Grey suit.

“Make sure to wear a suit and tie and smart shoes”

Okay. Maybe SMART shoes means I need something I can run in. Sadly Perseus doesn’t carry that sort of sportswear, so I caught a cab back to my safehouse and changed into some combat boots.

“Make sure to wear smart shoes”

Okay this is progress.

I know my suit must be okay because it dropped off the dialog. I sprinted down to Perseus trying not to miss my 5th interview appointment at this point, and tried the brown and white shoes. Strangely, with a grey suit… it worked. I looked good.

“Make sure to wear a suit and tie and smart shoes”

What?!? Huh? My suit was fine but somehow these shoes made it NOT FINE? I looked at the clock. Lunch time was coming for the kiddos. This meant not only feeding them something somewhat healthy, but interacting with them and cleaning up the mess. No way. I am finishing this mission if it killed me. I Googled “Smart Shoes” GTA4.

No help.

Okay. Let’s try this again. Black suit, boots.

“Make sure to wear a suit and tie and smart shoes”

Black suit wingtips (again)

“Make sure to wear a suit and tie and smart shoes”

Grey Suit black loafers.

“Make sure to wear a suit and tie and smart shoes”

God-awful brown and white shoes and black suit.

“Make sure to wear a suit and tie and smart shoes”

At this point I had missed at least 6 appointments, but I guess the law firm I was about to assail was a pretty forgiving place. That or they REALLY needed to fill an EEOC position with a white male from Russia.

I thought about it. I studied my character from top to bottom. Other than my sunglasses there’s not a thing on me that’s not a suit and tie and “Smart Shoes” whatever the hell that means.

But.. wait. No. No way. No way Jose! It’s not possible that it was my sunglasses that were keeping me from commencing this mission. I ran to Perseus. How the hell do I take these off to test this theory. Oh yeah.

I drove all the way across town to the safehouse to take off a pair of sunglasses.

I cabbed it back to the Law offices, just in time for midnight to roll around. Couldn’t do the mission until regular business hours.

I waited that out trying to jump a garbage truck off of a dumpster with varied results.  Got a hooker too.  Hey it was late… and I was bored.  We really had that Trashmaster rocking.

Okay. Business hours. Dropped off the hoe.

My character has literally been trying on clothes for days (in game time) trying start an interview that he plans on bombing at because the interviewer is most likely going to die.

Here I am. Front door. Breath held. Step up.

“Make sure to wear smart shoes”

NO GOD!!!!d WAY! This is ridiculous! This game is broken! It’s totally screwed up! I just give up! Screw GTA 4 and its bugs! Scre… wait. Oh yeah. How am I wearing sneakers?  Must have accidentally put those own back at my crib.

FOR THE LAST TIME, I ran to Perseus, where I’d already dropped about 50 grand on shoes and suits I already owned back at my safehouse, and picked up the black wing tips.

If this didn’t work I was going to immediately trade the game on Playswitch.

Ran back down to the law offices. Approached the door, sweating like a fat man in a panda outfit. This is it.

Beep Beep. The yellow arrow disappears.

What the? Is this part of the mission? No.

I missed my interview just as I approached the door.

It’s a good thing I had Noggin on UBER loud, because at this point I was saying things I didn’t even know I knew. I am pretty sure I blamed the Pope, John Lennon, and some kid from third grade in my hail of frustrated insults. My next interview was slated for the next day at 11am.

Rather than amuse myself in a gun battle or with more garbage truck tricks, I decided to head back to the safehouse and sleep the time away.

I returned the next morning, early for my appointment, and waited for the yellow arrow to appear. There it was.

I ran towards it like Nel Carter zeroing in on an eclair. My heart raced. My eyes popped. My hands clenched the controller.

Black Screen.

Loading.

I was so excited I almost knocked over my Xbox.

It was the sunglasses after all. That tiny accessory kept me from finishing the game, along with a few other little issues. For instance, I found out Kate likes to play darts, and I figured chicks who play darts probably also like to bowl. But when I took her to the bowling alley nothing happened. the guy at the counter just stared at me. I wasn’t prompted to hit LB to buy a game or anything. Total B.S. Never figured that one out. Instead I took her for a ride off a cliff on a motorcycle. I don’t remember much after that.

Still I tried and tried to finish. I gave up around 2am.

Called Lono to tell him I was almost done this morning, explained to him where I left off.

“Oh dude, you still have like 20 missions to go,” he said laughing.

Son of a b!tch.