Top tip: I recommend listening to some sort of music while reading this post, it will dull the pain.

Everybody in the world has to eat and drink. Yes, even you. However, some consumable products improve your gaming skill more than others, find out which ones after the jump.

Food

1. Pizza

Pizza is personally my favorite food, but not for the reasons you might expect. Not only is it great tasting, it also has certain qualities that most people do not know about. Want to find out? Of course you don’t, but here they are anyway. As soon as you eat a pizza you get two buffs. That’s right, not one, not three, but two buffs.

1. -1 Agility for 30 seconds

2. +50 Headshot chance for 6 hours

Personally I feel that the headshot buff is worth the -1 agility, but that’s up to you.

Note: If you have a stuffed crust or stuffed base (*drool* stuffed base), then you also receive -2 carpenting skill. Unfortunate, but that’s the way it is.

2. Nachos and dip

First, let me make one thing quite clear, I forbid the use of salsa, or sour cream, or any other crazy non-cheese dip you might have. Greasy cheese dip is essential. Now, in order to gain the full benefit of nachos with a cheese dip, you do not have to eat anything. In fact you can chuck away the nachos right away, they’re not needed. In order to increase you gaming skill, all you have to do is smear the cheese dip over your TV or monitor. This may sound weird, but trust me, it works. I’d suggest smearing the cheese on the actual display and input sockets, to get the maximum benefit. If done correctly you will receive the following stat changes:

1. -3 door handle sketching ability

2. +94 visibility.

Drink

1. Energy drinks

What the typical gamers’ only weakness? His need to sleep. While I have trained myself to sleep 1 hour every 4 weeks, others may not be so dedicated and might have to turn to energy drinks to keep them awake. Unfortunately coffee is not an option, the caffeine must come from a drink that tastes like medicine. You must drink one can of energy drink to get the all the benefits:

1. -0.5 carpet laying

2. -1 charisma

3. +63 energy

Note: If you do not have access to energy drinks there is one alternative. Mix 4 gallons of unicorn urine, with a small amount of custard powder. Leave to stand for 16 years and 3 days, then drink within 2 seconds.

2. Orange Juice

Unlike the disgusting, evil, satanic, head ripping, child eating, vile, cruel, murderous, ugly, repugnant apple juice, orange juice is actually quite nice. Drink a glass of it and reap the rewards:

1. +16 overall gaming skill

2. -2 inkjet printer unjamming ability

Ta da! The top consumable consumables in a consumable format. How consumable! Ok that last bit didn’t make that much sense, but never mind, because now you know what to eat and drink in order to survive in the gaming world. Another piece of quality content from SarcasticGamer.com…

…Oh god.

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