To sooth the gamer ego is to guide the unnatural flow of adrenaline, intensified with graphical thrills, engaging plot, and intricate detail. Satisfaction is the result of achievement, and the titles that grasp this general concept are more likely to be successful. Developing this feeling of gratification is artificial at root, but can feel organic if executed correctly. The primary objective of developers should always be to create an environment with vicarious effects.
In the desperate game of life, the survival of the fittest has played its role in determining, in a simpler sense, the winner and loser. Other organisms tend to…
… Oh my god. Oh my GOD! What THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO? WHERE HAS MY MIND BEEN FOR THE PAST THREE MONTHS! The site has been raving about this god damn article for so long, and THREE HOURS FROM THE DUE DATE, there’s NOTHING. I really should have put more time into it, rather than getting high and playing with my BaconSalt shakers.
So what am I gonna do? 180 minutes…no…179 minutes until Lono needs the final copy. Oh geeze, oh geeze.
This was the article that was supposed to change the face of gaming journalism forever. This was going to win Pulitzer Prizes and hoards of grant money. I was going to quit and rub it in Doc’s face, right after I got the cash!
Okay. Calm down Matt. Just close Wordpress and chill out. Time to play Call of Duty 4.
…HEAD INTO BATTLE! PAGE 2 PAGE 2!
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92 responses so far ↓
1 Ratchet8clank // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:02 pm
umm FIRST maybe close enough cool stuff i havent read it yet
2 kman571 // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:03 pm
first post
3 Live4Him // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:03 pm
rofl this is the “best”
4 kman571 // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:04 pm
d’oh, it’s long read it later
5 unohisname // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:05 pm
first post by unohisname in this
6 Ratchet8clank // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:07 pm
awesome article! completely Random with the whole WoW thing and stuff. Thats what I call sheer detertination!
7 NoneOfYourBusiness // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:08 pm
I read it mostly so i call F1rsT!
8 Anski // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:10 pm
My favourite part was when the site took a dive as everyone refreshed right when the clock hit zero.
That and page 8. =)
9 Lono // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Amazing. Simply Amazing. The War and Piece of video game literature.
I am better for knowing this. Better for reading this. Just better.
10 iHomer // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Worst article ever???
11 khit // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:15 pm
o…………………..k?
I didn’t learn anything… and not even a mention of Bacon Salt?
12 Beezs // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:16 pm
My life is forever changed.
I must shave my head and join the cult of Bac’n Salt so I can forever enjoy life in a happy, salty bacon tasting existence.
April Fool’s day
Day late article is here
Much Joy fills this site
~SBeezs
13 khit // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Lono: Weren;t you supposed to have already read this?
14 BOB GUY THING OR SOMTHING // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:16 pm
BACON SALT!!!!!!!!!
15 BOB GUY THING OR SOMTHING // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Iknew it was going to be like this
or :)?
16 khit // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Volkov is officially ADD
17 strika234 // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:18 pm
the “podcast” was funny, but the first paragraph was the only intelligent thing in thw whole article !:)
anyways, it still made me LOL
good job!:D
18 khit // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Pg 12 FTW
19 Doc // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Matt,
I just read your article twice through…. and I just have to say….
What you just said was the most insanely idiotic thing I’ve ever heard. At no time in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything resembling a rational thought. We are all now dumber for having heard it. I award you no points, and many God have mercy on your soul.
20 Doc // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:24 pm
This shit is going to go Digg-tastic if people keep digging it like this omg…
21 Tinman // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Amazing. Gamespot gave it 10/10.
22 Finch // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Thanks for that Volkov, made mine night much much better!
23 khit // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:31 pm
13th digg!
24 khit // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Dear Doc: Weriously, April fool’s?
25 Sean "Rothbart" Workman // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:35 pm
*lays golden fiddle on the ground at Volkov’s feet*
26 khit // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:36 pm
*seriously
27 khit // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:37 pm
*Volkov said Rockbart just come back if you ever wanna try again*
28 CJ // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Hey, the first paragraph was actually pretty well thought out!
***
Seemed like every time I went to the next page there was another digg.
29 Chuck Norris // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Worst waste of time every. I mean serisly, this took you three months? Now I don’t want to be a jerk even though I’m coming off as one, but I know you can do better! Your baken salt article was better than this!
30 not impressed // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:43 pm
We all waited “3 months” for this? I expected something…well epic. A Day in the Life of BaconSalt article is your best work that should have been the epic article. The read was a mildly entertaining but its epic fail not glory, sorry nice try.
31 Doc // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:43 pm
@khit.
Smile. You’ve just been the subject of one of the most verbose montages of random thoughts by a desperate man in the history of the internet.
Smile. You were here when it happened. Congrats…
32 DemonicDerek // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Lono, you suck at editing you missed the most classical error ever…
Page 5 first sentence:
“I mean they are so cool that there song ”
Should be
I mean they are so cool that –>their<– song
33 Doc // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:45 pm
@ All…
you MUST listen to the SG Podcast for more on this article and its origins. Withold judgement…. or get after it if you want.
It’s your choice….
34 khit // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Well I am smiling… I just don’t know why!
35 Doc // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:46 pm
D-I-G-G baby D-I-G-G!
36 khit // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Submit to N4G?
BTW: It seems like he really actually wrote this in 3 hours… lol…
37 codinthepocket // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:57 pm
I made my views clear in the forum.
I was underwhelmed. It wasn’t the best. Far from it. But it wasn’t bad. I didn’t like it - much. But I give full credit to Matt for his tries and his writing. It has received majority appreciation, and I commend him for it. Kudos to you Matt. You’ve won your approval *lays golden toothpick down in front of him*. (It would be something bigger, but I’m not sure it is worthy of a “larger” gold ornament after reading this.)
Well done Matt. Well done.
38 Gamespot // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Excellent 10/10
39 Doc // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:04 pm
@codinthepocket
Your response on the forums is its own work of art.
“I expected more of a sponsored man”
Frickin hysterical dude. For those interested….
http://www.sarcasticgamer.com/forums/showthread.php?p=90869#post90869
You can’t miss it… its the LONG one.
40 DemonicDerek // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Uh, the best part was page 12 and the “Audition”. If you ask me.
However, it sounds like it was procrastinated heavily and done in 2-3 Hours?
Still slightly funny, the WOW thing was funny sorta.
41 khit // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Please put that audition in front of the next show… PLEASE!
42 heyfling // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Great article Volkov, I loved every minute of it.
43 Captain Skippy // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Hahahaa! That was Hilarious, I loved the audition. Seriously, that was freaking awesome.
44 Artemis // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Ill have to read the whole thing again later when Im more awake, but nice job.
45 blitzkone // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:16 pm
simply amazing…i’m pretty sure after reading this my life has changed
46 Camaroguy579 // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Best part was page 14 where it said ‘THE END.’
Yea…..that part was flippin’ awesome.
47 Deereftw // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Matt this is why I’m glad i went to high school with you. Just for stuff like this.
48 PacManPolarBear // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Volkov, you done good.
49 The Ploogle // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:43 pm
NO WAY!
I SO CALLED THIS! THE ARTICLE IS CRAP!
10 PONTS FOR PLOOGLE!!!
50 ildreancipher // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:53 pm
That sounds like what my friend Nick would write. He created fictional character Fragger Jackson, who is characterized by his swaggering step, bottle of tequila, and oft-used mp5.
“But enough about suicidal teenagers, let’s talk about porn!” was obviously the best line ever.
Your “podcast” sounded like you were stoned, as did your article. Nothing against getting a little high off Bacon Salt.
51 Vluhd // Apr 2, 2008 at 11:08 pm
I want a volkov podcast now..
lol
52 chewy gone evil // Apr 2, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Bravo. For that performance, you win Lono’s family and a goat.
53 Heavyfiregrunt // Apr 2, 2008 at 11:39 pm
lol didnt get but still funny ass hell oh and DIG BABY DIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
54 motorhead36 // Apr 2, 2008 at 11:45 pm
simply beautiful.
This is really the MOST SARCASTIC unveiling in video game history. for the last three months, Doc, Lono, Dave, and Alex have all been incredibly SARCASTIC in hyping up this article.
i love this website so much
55 VictorSxL // Apr 2, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Awesome! :O So much reading to do xD Nice articel Volkov, keep it up!
56 Peter // Apr 3, 2008 at 12:10 am
Love it!
Great Work!
10 of 10!
Will change history as we know it! (Well, maybe not…
57 DisKordian // Apr 3, 2008 at 12:38 am
Classic!
“At least goths have the balls to hurt on the inside..”
Your my hero… marry me?
58 Clstirens // Apr 3, 2008 at 12:59 am
His podcast comes up as Blues under iTunes.
Lol
59 Mallico // Apr 3, 2008 at 1:14 am
“I wish I could go to Valve..so I could fix their pipes AHAHAHAHA”
The podcast was the best thing in it by far. I honestly thought it was going to suck before I started reading it.
Good job.
60 Mrbadguysan // Apr 3, 2008 at 3:01 am
And they say Marijuana is harmless?! Lies!
61 Keith K // Apr 3, 2008 at 3:45 am
I feel so much richer for the experience of having read this post. I know the effects are going to be profound. Things are going to change in this world from this day on. I just know it.
62 Makenzie // Apr 3, 2008 at 4:00 am
I wish i worked at valve… so i could fix the pipes…
Perfect martini time joke… so perfect…its scary
63 codinthepocket // Apr 3, 2008 at 5:17 am
@Doc
Thank you for the kinds words Doc.
*takes Volkov’s golden toothpick and lays it as the ground’s of Doc’s feet*
Maybe people should start digging the response…
Title “The “Greatest” Response to the “Greatest” Sarcastic Gamer Article ever.” Lol…
I wrote everything I felt. It was like an article in an article. Use those words of wisdom people. I have given you a sign of better things to always come…
Cod out.
64 Eplayr.com | ** gaming news that matters ** // Apr 3, 2008 at 5:17 am
The Impacts of Personality on the Global Gaming Scale | Eplayr.com…
\r\nIts the ultimate gaming article in the history of the world wide web.\r\nWhat…
65 Nathanhale // Apr 3, 2008 at 5:52 am
if there is anything on the face of this earth worthy of a digg… this is it
66 SarcasticSparki // Apr 3, 2008 at 6:42 am
Awesome, someone else that watches QBA… have you seen the one w/ the … … I can’t do it, I can’t even think up something that would be that twisted.
Good Article (Captcha Agrees: outflow excellent), I’m a better man for reading this. Better then what, I don’t know. But where was this brilliance 2 days ago? I’d love to see one page of this in Jive. Wait, I take that back… that’s a bad idea.
67 balaamsafe // Apr 3, 2008 at 6:44 am
i think… umm… what…
that article sounded like a collection of things that people say in the 5 min before they pass out from partying too hard
68 1Colin1 // Apr 3, 2008 at 6:53 am
Lol…
69 JP // Apr 3, 2008 at 7:53 am
Lets take acid and write!!!
70 PRE OWNED ALEX // Apr 3, 2008 at 8:55 am
so this is the article supposed to change the fate of sarcasticgamer.com huh?, you guys are extremely screwed only another parody video/song could save you now
71 Poison Arrow // Apr 3, 2008 at 9:12 am
I expected something else, your regular podcasts entertain me a lot more, i am a little disappointed
72 iPwn // Apr 3, 2008 at 10:32 am
THIS article is the pinnacle of Gaming journalism! And i loved your podcast WAY better (SG Podcast V2.0 rated best podcast among Elmhurst Illinois 15 year olds) than that crappy one i get off itunes. I expect episode 2 soon
73 A Rabid Moose // Apr 3, 2008 at 10:36 am
This is like halo 3. Great game, just hyped into a corner. You need to work on your time management.
74 DeStijl // Apr 3, 2008 at 10:43 am
That was brilliant. Truly lived up to the hype.
I suppose this is somehow mocking how gaming journalism hypes up things because the publisher throws money at them, and it turns out to be awful.
(Kane and Lynch for example)
You gotta read between the lines to realise that though. Read between them A LOT.
Good job.
75 Adam Harley // Apr 3, 2008 at 10:44 am
Absolutely hilarious. I love it I love it I love it.
76 XGod of PwnageX // Apr 3, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Great job Matt! The randomosity was great and I was consantly laughing. You exceded my expectations.
77 crashcrazy // Apr 3, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Nice read, props to Volkov but it kinda felt a bit broken, like you wrote half of it in a couple of days and then returned to it a month later with a new idea.
Still Great Job
78 Hoplite // Apr 3, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Thats 10 minutes of my life I cant get back!
79 Habadasher // Apr 3, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Seems like it failed to deliver on a few promises but I gotta say; I LOVED THIS!
Far better than a serious article ever could have been!
80 Mallavu939 // Apr 3, 2008 at 3:36 pm
It was easily Matt’s best article yet. Who gives a crap about boring facts and such? This is Sarcastic Gamer and I think this was the pinnacle of everything the site has achieved. We were all expecting some dissertation type article and we all just got rick rolled!!
Volkov I salute you!!
*Steal other golden things and take them for myself*
81 photomaster94 // Apr 3, 2008 at 3:45 pm
i did not think it was that great, what was the point? 40% of it was written by other people, a list, graphic, or stupid conversation
82 ktman // Apr 3, 2008 at 4:21 pm
When I first read this article I said to myself, “This sucks!” But then I relized is Volkov had written a sophiticated article, would it have been any better. Of cousre not! This article was definately one of the best i have read on this site.
83 hawk979 usa // Apr 3, 2008 at 11:55 pm
yeah….I feel like I just drank a case of redbull.
um….don’t worry there’s always the podcast.
84 noobfinder // Apr 4, 2008 at 11:02 am
page 11 ftw for i to have done those things if only in my dreams sept for gilfs ggilfs thats just sick volkov but o well good arcticle i guess???
85 Captain DDL // Apr 6, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Dude…awesome ‘podcast’.
86 Vernon // Apr 7, 2008 at 11:05 pm
I waited for about 4 months for this article and you know what I think of it? ITS AMAZING!!! Great “podcast” too.
87 Blur // Apr 8, 2008 at 5:03 am
Dude, what did i just read?
88 Kaptain Kako // Apr 8, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Hahaha, great work. Loved every minute of that article. The wait was worth it.
89 nick1023456 // Apr 9, 2008 at 2:25 pm
that was great
90 Hermitcrab2995 // Apr 9, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Holy crap. Speaking of crap, this article was full of it. It was also funny as hell.
91 Jan Zantinga // Apr 10, 2008 at 11:12 am
That…was…AWESOME!!! I want more articles like this. You are my writer monkey, now write!
92 Oh when the 10’s, come rolling in… | SarcasticGamer.com // Apr 17, 2008 at 10:05 am
[...] others, but it still remains to be seen if it was even legit or not. Some folks will do just about anything for a spike in page [...]
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