First, as one of the few, the proud, and the sneaky to have played this game to the finish before the unwashed masses have gotten the chance to sully it with their grimy little paws, let me be absolutely crystal effin’ clear about how I feel:
Nyaaaaaaahhhhh, nyaaaaaaaaah.
Oh yeah baby, I’m rubbin’ it in.
Feels good.
Mmmmm, yeah.
*ahem*
Check out the full review, embargo be damned, after the jump!
With that out the way, I bet you’d like to know a little about the game. Well, all ribbing aside this is going to piss you off: GTAIV is a heavy house of Meh built on a fragile foundation of Hype, and it’s the most bland and disappointing experience a person can have outside of a Tom Cruise movie.
Firing up the offline Xbox this past weekend, I started out my new adventure as Nico Belic. Nico is a Russian immigrant who embarked on his journey to Liberty City seeking escape and redemption from his past life of kidnapping, arson, murder, and arson (he likes arson). Upon arrival, Nico met up with his silver-tongued cousin who painted rosy tales of whimsical fun and sinful luxury over the phone. The cousin promised them both a life of happiness ,while swearing up and down that there are no cats in America. Unfortunately for Nico the truth was a darker picture, and to avoid starving in the new world he returned once again to the life he was hoping to escape.
How quaint.
Shockingly, even after all the hype the IVth verse was already sounding woefully the same as the 1st. Rockstar has five previous titles’ worth of my money, and yet they still couldn’t seem to buy themselves a new stereotype for this game. Once again the lead character is some shallow, adolescent jerk supposedly held down by misfortune and The Man rather than his own poor life decisions, and as the player I was somehow supposed to feel sorry for him when he turned into a murdering thug. I wasn’t even an hour into the game and already my thoughts wandered ahead, flirting with GTA V’s possible storylines. I mused once as I got up for another beer: could there be a future where the Houser Brothers will have made so many of these games that they have run completely out of helpless minorities or ethnicities to culturally pillage, and as such they’re forced to make up ways for handicapped people to evade six stars’ worth of police on a Hoverround? One can hope.
My mind still reeled, but with fresh beer in hand, I dutifully returned to the task before me. The foreplay was over and I had a whole weekend to pound this bitch raw. Fair warning: here’s where the real spoilers begin.
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wow… i could not start reading the actual review… chock full of spoilers lol
but i like the “soon to be controversial controls” lol… Let’s just hope we dont have to call the wahm-bulance too many times on release day…
LOL! That was one of the best Fiction Friday posts ever. Great job guys!
Nice read but too over the top, you tried to hard to make it funny and end up with a soup of exaggerated jokes.
The sad thing is that, even though you mentioned the article was fake toward the end, some people will only read the first page due to extreme laziness. We’ll probably see this article on N4G in the not-to-distant future and GTA fanboys will amass with lit torches.
@RaiseHavok
That will just make it that much better.
I heard you get to kill hookers in this game… Sounds like fun, if you’re into that kind of thing…
Neva gonna give you up…
Some guy named Lazlo was on the radio this moring playing the game in studio with local radio guys ( also in the game ) Opie and Anthony.
You may have already known, you can get drunk and you will drive erratically because of it. You can go to the strip club and shoot the hookers and the regular stuff you aleady know.
The first DLC mission packs will be released at the end of Summer. He recommended buying the 360 version for that reason.
@Doro626: Yeah, the 360’s DLC would probably take be from 62% of the GTA IV content unplayed to 73%.
While there may be some here, I’d argue the VAST MAJORITY of folks never “complete” a GTA game. I recommend you stop listening to someone from the Andy Griffith show…
LOL! Look it up on Wikipedia if you’re not old enough to remember! He was always kinda clueless anyway…
@Trav: Nice submission man!
Congrats. Been a while since you’ve gotten me with a fiction friday article. You sadistic bastards playing on my love of GTA.
GTA holds no interest for me. The article was hilarious, though.
i Really was pulled in by this..damm…..i was gettin un hyped really fast..lol
Damn. I was gonna go to sleep until I saw that article. Damn you! I read the whole thing hahahahaha
Love the article though.
Role on 29th April
You really reeled me in with that article. I read the whole damn thing! I hate reading. But I love spoilers.
I was crying laughing at the article.
Thanks for the props guys, glad you all enjoyed it
Lono // Apr 18, 2008 at 10:04 am
I heard you get to kill hookers in this game… Sounds like fun, if you’re into that kind of thing…
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Now that really did make me laugh.