Earlier this year GTA fans and knowledgeable gamers in general responded to news that EA was looking to takeover Take-Two Interactive with the standard voodoo doll replicas of EA execs and a steady flow of curse words. Luckily, Take-Two turned down the initial offer, saying that the proposed 2 billion dollar deal undervalued both the companies franchises and creative talent. Unfortunately, EA’s offer soon turned hostile, and while Take-Two execs had urged shareholders to “sit tight”, EA showed no sign of giving up. They (EA) had even extended the deadline to accept the deal until April 18th
It now seems that the deal is already done and the hostile takeover is complete. Take-Two shareholders cashed out their stock and EA now controls Take-Two, and the fate of all GTA titles to come.
Check out all the details after the jump!
Like so many others before them, Take-Two, and by extension RockStar, now face a dark future. I’d equate what their feeling right now to that sharp instant of clarity that comes right before you grab a hot pan out of the oven with your bare hands. You know that it’s gonna hurt like hell but it’s too late to stop.
Following in the footsteps of their fallen comrades like Westwood, huge segments of the staff from Take-Two, in particular RockStar North, are abandoning ship faster than rats who just found out the ocean was made of cheese. The loss of such a huge segment of RockStar’s development staff means that, should there be a GTA V, not one single person involved in making the previous titles will be working on it.
EA will have to replace almost every staff member responsible for making the very games that made EA want to purchase Take-Two in the first place. Sorta like they had to with Origin, Westwood and BullFrog.
In a press conference earlier today, former members of RockStar expressed their feelings on the takeover and their plans for the future.
RockStar North’s Development Coordinator, Richard Reed, told reporters that “I did consider staying with the company for a minute, but then I got my first look at the new employment contract. Once I read the sub-clause about EA owning my soul I knew it was time to get the hell outta dodge.”
Steven Tumdum, one of the lead graphic artists for RockStar North, said “if I’m gonna get bent over a table and f***ked, I expect a whole lot more than $26 a share.”
Bobby Divs, another graphic artist, said “f**k this, I’m gonna go make Wii games.”
Sandra Deloi, RockStar’s marketing chief, said “I was outside the studio on my cellphone when I got the news. At that very same moment I heard a kakaaaa from above me. I looked up and the sky was filled with vultures. Who knew EA execs could fly?”
Daniel Jones, RockStar’s chief animator, said “The minute those two suits showed up, I knew it was over. I mean these old guys, who never played a video game in their life, walk into MY office and tell me how things are gonna be from now on. I laughed in their faces, whipped out my junk and pee’d on them right there in my office. Unfortunately it’s kinda hard to aim while your laughing, so I was unable to blind them with my pungent stream of gamer justice. Needless to say, they accepted my resignation.”
EA has so far declined to give any formal statement expressing their feelings about the takeovers success. However, several EA execs have been seen celebrating in their customary fashion ie wiping their asses with 100 dollar bills and then offering them to young game developers in desperate need of funding.
Which is a rather apt analogy for EA’s whole corporate takeover mentality.
“We’ll offer you money to take our s**t.”
Well there you have it, EA owns Take-Two. Hope you all enjoy GTA IV because you’ll never see another GTA title that even comes close.
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23 responses so far ↓
1 JakubK666 // Apr 11, 2008 at 2:17 pm
This sucks
2 chris24680 // Apr 11, 2008 at 2:18 pm
THAT IS THE BEST FICTION FRIDAY STORY YET!!! PERIOD. REALY FUNNY!!!
3 DVNO // Apr 11, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Classic. this is why this site is so awesome
4 EA devours Take-Two, says GTA V will be very different - Nintendo Wii Forum // Apr 11, 2008 at 2:50 pm
[...] Hope you all enjoy GTA IV because you?ll never see another GTA title that even comes close. EA devours Take-Two, says GTA V will be very different | SarcasticGamer.com [...]
5 WU GAMB1NO // Apr 11, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I had tears in my eyes and then read the comments and its just a joke HOW DARE U.
6 Narkjoe36 // Apr 11, 2008 at 4:08 pm
After reading the first Fiction Friday story I knew this one was fake, but otherwise I would’ve pissed myself.
7 Josue // Apr 11, 2008 at 4:12 pm
i forgot it was friday, i am such a dumbass. i was thinking of calling my friends and telling them, until i read someguys comment. Plus the tag even says “Fake News”
8 Lono // Apr 11, 2008 at 4:18 pm
best yet PMPB!
9 EA devours Take-Two, says GTA V will be very different « Playstation Extreme // Apr 11, 2008 at 4:23 pm
[...] via: sarcasticgamer.com [...]
10 irish boy90 // Apr 11, 2008 at 4:34 pm
best ff ever
this is why I come on the this site
11 none // Apr 11, 2008 at 6:01 pm
EA Buying Take-Two would be the best thing ever. Take-Two sucks business wise. EA would merely buy the company, and leave it as is. Look at Pandemic, Bioware, and Mythic Studios. All EA does is give them more money and resources. They’d be fools if they wiped out staff. If EA buys Take -Two (which I hope they do), it’d be the best thing ever. If not, Take - Two will probably die within the next year or two due to horrible business practices.
12 PacManPolarBear // Apr 11, 2008 at 6:39 pm
^ I hope that was sarcasm because it is the funniest comment yet!
13 Maddog // Apr 11, 2008 at 6:55 pm
My heart dropped when I read this until I got to the comments. You, you guys!
14 DARKANGEL // Apr 11, 2008 at 9:29 pm
OMG cant believe it and sad to say this is the last GTA game ill be buying on the 29th of april this year. This is truly a sad day for gamers.
15 Down_with_Kotaku // Apr 11, 2008 at 9:38 pm
EA’s DLC for GTA: paying for a hooker
16 none // Apr 11, 2008 at 10:59 pm
No, it was real.
17 Swollen_Beef // Apr 11, 2008 at 11:03 pm
as i am still new to this site, i was unaware of the famed “Fiction Fridays”
SG may now take solice in the fact that i was ready to go on a Bobby Knight chair induced rampage untill i read the comments.
18 Makidian // Apr 11, 2008 at 11:12 pm
I would have believed this(because I forgot that it was Friday) but the nobody else reported it and the employee reactions were so funny I nearly pissed myself with laughter.
19 Meresin // Apr 12, 2008 at 2:13 am
You had me until the “own my soul” part. Absolutely hysterical.
20 WarehallDN // Apr 12, 2008 at 7:16 am
Actually, this article is completely false!
My sources at EA told me that GTA 5 would be quite similar to GTA 4…
First, it would also star Niko in Liberty City, doing many of the exact same missions… Well, maybe I highlight the differences….
-Niko would now be accomplishing these missions with his roommate and “friend” Sven.
-You can put gold plating on your guns.
-The enemy AI will be much, much dumber.
-Of course, the most important new feature, which will not unbalance the game in the least, is that in order to unlock the RPG, you must send EA money. (They now accept checks.)
I can’t believe you guys can get away with such irresponsible reporting every Fiction Friday.
21 Doro626 // Apr 14, 2008 at 2:54 pm
this is gold.
. I laughed in their faces, whipped out my junk and pee’d on them right there in my office. Unfortunately it’s kinda hard to aim while your laughing, so I was unable to blind them with my pungent stream of gamer justice. Needless to say, they accepted my resignation.”
22 Doc // Apr 23, 2008 at 3:19 pm
test
23 deg // Nov 30, 2008 at 6:53 am
u scared me if ea took over niko would turn into a football player then it would just be fifa 09
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