The tragedy of living 325 miles from the nearest major city, and 100 miles from the nearest Gamestop, plagues myself and thousands of other gamers around the globe. Civilization was a commodity that I came to know living in the suburbs, so moving up to the big phallus sticking out of Michigan’s upper peninsula was not a welcome change.

To cure the pain of feeling stranded, I’ve found a few solutions outside of anti-depressants and self-inflicted emo cutting. Don’t feel down! Take these quick tips to heart, and you’ll be dominating city-slickers in no time:

Kidnap the regional manager of your monopolistic broadband company.
The ransom? Internet that moves faster than a thick liquid in a cold month. In the middle of Nowhere, USA, internet service providers decided to lay cable on the cheap. The longer the pipe in between you and the routing center, the more your online gameplay will suffer. Nothing is worse than an astronomical ping, with lagging soldiers warping across the battlefield. This can all be solved by a swift body snatch of the son of a bitch who stands between you… and maximum frags.

Have as many children as possible for the sole purpose of training them.
Ever think of starting a family business? How about a family gaming clan? It’s challenging to find teammates, when most of the population around you consists of white trash and cows. Instead, teach little Bobby and Susie how to kill terrorists, and of course, how to teabag them afterward. Raise the kids well enough to compete, and then steal the prize money for “their future college fund.”

Invite the elderly to LAN parties.
If you don’t have a functioning uterus in your area, raising slave children may not be a viable option. Naturally, the next best thing is old people. When selecting your grandpa or grandma, the ideal quality to hunt for is their sense of purpose in life. If they no longer have one, perfect! Instruct them on the finer points of Zerg rushing. Just don’t be surprised when the old-timer starts ranting about the new-fangled 3D-Accelerated graphics.

Verbally abuse the Wal-Mart employee working in electronics.
It takes an extra two days for a new game release to mosey on up from the nearest developed community. I had to buy Call of Duty 4 on a Thursday. Thus, it’s time to exert your dominance on the lackey behind the counter.

These are just a few tips for dealing with the desolate landscape known otherwise as “rural.”  Got any other tips? Let us know in the forums.

Tweet This Post