The tragedy of living 325 miles from the nearest major city, and 100 miles from the nearest Gamestop, plagues myself and thousands of other gamers around the globe. Civilization was a commodity that I came to know living in the suburbs, so moving up to the big phallus sticking out of Michigan’s upper peninsula was not a welcome change.
To cure the pain of feeling stranded, I’ve found a few solutions outside of anti-depressants and self-inflicted emo cutting. Don’t feel down! Take these quick tips to heart, and you’ll be dominating city-slickers in no time:
Kidnap the regional manager of your monopolistic broadband company.
The ransom? Internet that moves faster than a thick liquid in a cold month. In the middle of Nowhere, USA, internet service providers decided to lay cable on the cheap. The longer the pipe in between you and the routing center, the more your online gameplay will suffer. Nothing is worse than an astronomical ping, with lagging soldiers warping across the battlefield. This can all be solved by a swift body snatch of the son of a bitch who stands between you… and maximum frags.
Have as many children as possible for the sole purpose of training them.
Ever think of starting a family business? How about a family gaming clan? It’s challenging to find teammates, when most of the population around you consists of white trash and cows. Instead, teach little Bobby and Susie how to kill terrorists, and of course, how to teabag them afterward. Raise the kids well enough to compete, and then steal the prize money for “their future college fund.”
Invite the elderly to LAN parties.
If you don’t have a functioning uterus in your area, raising slave children may not be a viable option. Naturally, the next best thing is old people. When selecting your grandpa or grandma, the ideal quality to hunt for is their sense of purpose in life. If they no longer have one, perfect! Instruct them on the finer points of Zerg rushing. Just don’t be surprised when the old-timer starts ranting about the new-fangled 3D-Accelerated graphics.
Verbally abuse the Wal-Mart employee working in electronics.
It takes an extra two days for a new game release to mosey on up from the nearest developed community. I had to buy Call of Duty 4 on a Thursday. Thus, it’s time to exert your dominance on the lackey behind the counter.
These are just a few tips for dealing with the desolate landscape known otherwise as “rural.” Got any other tips? Let us know in the forums.
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12 responses so far ↓
1 Keith K // Mar 25, 2008 at 11:04 am
Excellent suggestions. Can these all be used in conjunction with self-inflicted emo cutting?
2 crashcrazy // Mar 25, 2008 at 11:05 am
Using playswitch?
(Cue Glaring)
3 Lono // Mar 25, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I actually kidnapped my comcast manager, but he ate me out of house and home, so I had to let him go….
Those guys eat a lot, FYI.
4 Tweep // Mar 25, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Even though I live in an urban environment I find that I also enjoy verbally abusing Wal Marts’ electronics employees. Maybe that is a universal theme…
5 Dableo // Mar 25, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Jeez at least you have a walmart! I live on a tiny island off the coast of Canada that consists of 3 minor settlements and 3000 people in total! The only way I can games (or any other form of electronic entertainment) is from one independant store that has a 200% mark-up or spend $400 plus to get to the mainland by plane or a 7 hour ferry trip. We have not a single chain store or restaurant - not even a Mcdonalds (not a big loss). Oh woe is me. (lol)
6 Matt 'Volkov' Schmidt, Brought to you by Bacon Salt // Mar 25, 2008 at 7:33 pm
I recommend you get the hell off that island.
7 Dableo // Mar 25, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Can’t
Doesn’t matter though cause i stock up on videogames during vacations which i have a lot of.
8 Matt 'Volkov' Schmidt, Brought to you by Bacon Salt // Mar 25, 2008 at 7:59 pm
You must have really shitty internet.
9 Digitalistic // Mar 26, 2008 at 12:27 am
I should point out that the nearest Gamestop is more than 100 miles away — it’s in Canada. You’d have to cross a great lake to get to it.
That’s pretty much as middle-of-nowhere as it gets.
Also, Dableo, that sounds like hell for games.
10 Captainx // Mar 26, 2008 at 1:55 am
i know how you feel i live used to live about 50km away from at least a Kmart. (ouch) i now live closer to it..and there is a little game tradeers here also…but i order my game nnearly all over the net now.
11 Moneybeak // Mar 26, 2008 at 2:20 pm
ok pretend that those EMO cuters are Nazi and this is cod4 that should be intertanig
12 Moneybeak // Mar 27, 2008 at 6:23 am
I mean come on they look the part
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