Over the last couple of days I’ve been playing the heck out of Army of Two. It’s mindless shoot ‘em up fun. No harm there, right? Admittedly, the game has stupid dialogue and 12 year old “frat guy” antics that make war out to be some kind of action hero power fantasy. Hmmm… Power fantasy, with two men… in leather…. with bedazzled guns, who go shopping after every mission???
WTF? These guys are…Gay!?!? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
What the heck is EA selling?
Let’s examine the facts. The two main characters are portrayed as the two most hetero men that ever lived. Burly and ohhh so… dangerous, these guys put on leather and kill people. They couldn’t be gay. Could they?
Well, what’s the goal of the game? The whole goal of the game is to “pimp out” and eventually “bedazzle” your guns. This isn’t inherently gay, but it does play to a certain gay stereotype. It’s like Queer Eye for the Straight guy, but with guns. It’s like these guys are trying sooo hard to prove their masculinity with their big guns, yet they couldn’t help themselves from putting a bunch of rhinestones on them to make them, oh, I don’t know…. Pretty?
Of course, next you have over the top “best bud” antics not seen since Top Gun. Good lord, the only thing missing is a shirtless volleyball game with Val Kilmer and “Playing With The Boys” by Kenny Loggins playing in the back ground. These guys play more grab ass, shake hands and bump uglies than teenagers on prom night.
Then there’s the insipid, tough guy dialogue. I mean come on. Who are they trying to fool? It’s obvious that through all of that “tough guy” snarl and “macho” four letter words, there’s real sexual tension between them. It’s palpable.
I mean, how bout calling out to go “Back to Back” to fend off bad guys? If that isn’t a cry for the love of your partner, I don’t know what is.
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26 responses so far ↓
1 Clstirens // Mar 11, 2008 at 9:32 am
I MUST ask. Are you being serious? I’m not arguing your logic. Oh no, your logic is pretty good on this one.
I’m just…. Yeah, I guess it is good they took out the “patch” minigame.
2 heavenlyyeti // Mar 11, 2008 at 9:47 am
maybe you should play co-op with animathias, lono….
LOl, jk
3 ShooterFan // Mar 11, 2008 at 10:36 am
Yeah, The game does seem to clearly point to some homosexual feelings amongst the main characters.
Like Lono stated, the fact that you can “bedazzle” and make your guns look pretty (almost like a 7 year old girls’ art project), may be just a little on the soft side for most of the more grizzled guerillas out there.
4 RK1 FaMiCuS // Mar 11, 2008 at 10:58 am
I think someone has their own secrets hiding in the closet and they are trying to shift the spotlight to someone else, JK. So going shopping in game makes your character gay, what GTA: San Andreas, Saint’s Row (granted you have one line in the game that does kinda out you). Some of the weapons when pimped look pretty badass, like the SAL-86 and the BST.
5 Alecsander_C // Mar 11, 2008 at 11:00 am
that was so funny.
But do you recommend this game?
6 VinDali // Mar 11, 2008 at 11:36 am
So that’s where Ace & Gary have gone.
7 Lono // Mar 11, 2008 at 11:56 am
ROFL Vin Dali… nice.
8 Doc // Mar 11, 2008 at 11:57 am
Lono at sarcasticgamer dot com
9 TempleDog // Mar 11, 2008 at 1:40 pm
http://download.penny-arcade.com/podcast/Our%20Crucial%20Pamphlet.mp3
10 TempleDog // Mar 11, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Made this hilarious post about Lono and his Penny-Arcade plagiarizin’ ways, but for some reason it didn’t take. Just listen to the PA podcast posted above. Esplanations, Lono, me ol’ trout?
11 Gir // Mar 11, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Or maybe you really want to bling out your gun, but just don’t know it yet… Maybe harda$$ Army guys like shiny objects.
12 ummm, Yeah... // Mar 11, 2008 at 2:22 pm
@ Lono
You know guys, espescially you Lono, why is everybody asking why you can bedazzle your guns? Just yesterday, when the podcast was released, you asked why the girl gamers hadn’t been recognized, even critcizing the numbers. Obviously, EA had the ladies in mind when choosing to allow you to make your guns pretty. Not saying that all girls want everything to look pretty, but the fact that you can make your guns look like candy coated spirit sticks can only mean that some girls would like that. Any man who does that has his own problems, but just because a feature in a game doesn’t apply directly to men, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be there. It’s that kind of male shovunism that makes women stay away from gaming. Nice job guys. Btw I’m a 15 year old boy. Just in case any of you thought I was a girl…
13 Lono // Mar 11, 2008 at 2:22 pm
@Temple Dog: So they called them gay, in a podcast that I’ve never even listened to until today, because of your post and I plagiarized them? You either don’t know what the word plagiarize means, or you’re an idiot… Pick one.
14 Eoco // Mar 11, 2008 at 3:02 pm
is idiot the correct answer?
15 TempleDog // Mar 11, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Y’know, I really thought you were cribbing from PA, Lono…until I read some more reviews. Damn, this game is gay. Like, pink speedos gay. My bad.
p.s.: watch that idiot crap, bucko.
16 Lono // Mar 11, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Well you shouldn’t throw around the plagiarism word either…
17 doro626 // Mar 11, 2008 at 3:47 pm
PLaying grab ass, one day in the box. looking at my sandals, oh you better believe thats a paddlin.
18 haydenkayne // Mar 11, 2008 at 4:48 pm
their names are rios and salem? i thought that EA made this so lono and animathias could continue their love tryst without anyone interupting. thats why its not called ARMY OF 3 (doc and dave dont go that way)
19 TempleDog // Mar 11, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Who’s the project lead on Ao2? Like to know the name of the dood what went: “Hey, you know what could be cool? Let’s give two asshole fratboys guns and the hots for each other, and stick ‘em in Iraq. That’d totally rock, bro.”
On the other hand, mebbe it’s some kind of incredibly subversive artistic statement that we’re all a part of because of our overt reaction to two Jason Vorhees wannabes acting like two highschool football douchebags after blowing away their 5ooth ‘terrorist’.
Naw. Asshole fratboys in love. Gotta be.
20 Cube // Mar 11, 2008 at 9:37 pm
2 gay guys that kick ass with hot lead, Hot.
kinda like Ai Cho Aniki
http://hg101.classicgaming.gamespy.com/choaniki/choaniki.htm
21 Vote4Drizzt // Mar 11, 2008 at 10:05 pm
You guys are nuts, the whole macho thing is not a gay reference, it is a Tonka toy’s-esque attempt to make the guys REALLY manly, so much that it is funny.
Any way, I like to pimp my guns and I like boobs.
22 BlacKRaiN_666 // Mar 12, 2008 at 1:03 pm
i dont know what u guy’s problems are but this is one the most badass games i have ever played. you dont “bedazzle” your guns and make them look like pretty poppy flowers. you can make them “pimped” and it makes them silver, gold, and sometimes even gives them flames or badass engravings. this also makes the aggro you can get go up. and alot of the weapons look badass. upgrade the SAW all the way then pimp it out, its one of the most badass looking weapons after that even though i dont use it cuz the accuracy sucks. and they dont do one thing in the game that would make them look gay. perhaps someone who decided to post this has some of their own homosexual tendencies that they are trying to blame on something else.
23 ummm, Yeah... // Mar 12, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Yeah just ignore what I said… What I say doesn’t count for crap…
24 Lono // Mar 13, 2008 at 7:50 am
Yeah BlackRain, you’re right, because playing with a diamond encrusted machine gun isn’t gay at all… What was I thinking.
Somebody call the Army and tell them what’s up! Get them some gold “bedazzled”… um, I mean “pimped” weapons NOW!
Yeah, I agree… not one thing is gay at all…. ROFL.
25 Doll // Mar 14, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Gold weapons, what is wrong with these people? If i wanted a gold weapon, i sure as hell wouldn’t use. It would be on display or something.
Alecsander, It’s a good game if you want some easy achievements.
26 sultan // Apr 10, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Well, when you see people with “pimped out” cars it might be to enhance its performance but the neon lights, decals & fancy spinning rims…well…they’re kind of like the pimped guns..
Thats just my point of view..
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