I’m kinda new at this journalistic stuff.  Hell, that’s overselling it.  Honestly, I just write crap about video games. 

What’s that old saying about letting the cat out of the …

Anyway, I just spent an hour watching this crappy video feed for the Keynote Address by Bill Gates for something called the Consumer Electronic Show.  It’s in Las Vegas, so it must be a big deal.

Kinda like Celine Dion. 

Any big announcements?  Xbox 360 Ultimate?

Find out what I learned from the presentation after the jump!

I learned that Bill Gates and that other guy, what’s his name, really love ill-fitting, pastel sweaters.  Good lord, they looked like Mr. Rogers’ clones.   Who the hell dressed them? 

I learned that watching some lady do email during the Keynote was a bad idea.  Who knew watching someone send email would be so boring.  I loved Sleepless in Seattle.  I kid, I kid.  Not enough full frontal nudity.  Always a pre-requisite.

I learned that Xbox 360 has sold over 1 billion dollars more in services and games than the Wii and more than 2 billion dollars more than the PS3. Too bad they make such crappy hardware, otherwise, they’d have broke even by now.

I learned that over 17.7 million Xbox 360’s have been sold. So, by my calculations, that’s about 17.7 million in red ring of death repairs.  Math FTW!

I learned that there are 10 million Xbox Live members. By my Powers of Deduction +1  that leaves about 7.7 million owners without Xbox Live.  That translates into a lot of pissed off Call of Duty 4 players because man, that single player is short.  

I learned that the much hyped, HUMONGO announcement of the Xbox Ultimate, didn’t happen.  Just like we predicted in our podcast that was taped on Thursday.  :p Internet rumors to drive web traffic FTW!!! Besides, that would have looked particularly dumb, after all of this bad HD-DVD news that came out over the weekend.

I learned that the big Xbox 360 announcements were two-fold.  First is that ABC and Disney will both put up content for download on the Xbox Live marketplace. Awesome.  Now I can finally watch Hannah Montana in Hi-Definition.  I’m kidding.  Or am I?

I learned that the second big 360 announcement was that MGM would be releasing it’s library onto XBL Marketplace. Sweet, I can finally watch Black Mama, White Mama in Hi-Definition.  Thanks Wikipedia!

I learned that those two big announcements really weren’t that big.

I learned that something called IPTV for the 360 will be rolled out by British Telecom and that they would be selling Xbox 360’s as a set top cable boxes.  Great.  As an American, that’s just one more thing to ignore about Europe. Jingoism for the win.     

I learned that Samsung and HP would be releasing Hi-Def Televions with built in media extenders to extend computer content to your Hi-Def television. Finally, Chocolate Rain over and over on my 60 inch Hi-Def TV. 

Chocolate Rain, Some stay dry and others feel the pain. Chocolate Rain…

Hey Look, there’s Slash!

I learned that something called ”Real World Recognition” is gonna be a big deal. Basically it’s cell phone software that uses a phone’s camera as eyes. As you pass over buildings, people, or things, the software will recognize people, places and things and give you information about that person, GPS and/or driving directions to the place, or display media related to that building.

In the demo, Bill used the device against a Las Vegas backdrop. As he scanned the pic with the device and it saw the Venitian Hotel, it immediately displayed a bunch of info about the casino. Yes, it’s totally useless, but it can sell stuff to you, so Microsoft will MAKE you want it.  Trust me.  Gosh, I can’t wait until commercials are beamed directly into my cell phone.  That’ll be great!

Oh, and I learned that Bill Gates knows how to hire the right people to make him look halfway human and less like a younger Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.  They showed a spoof video about Bill’s supposed “last day” with Microsoft that was hilarious.  Seriously.

Once I find that clip, you bet your sweet ass, it’ll be up on the front page. 

Finally, I learned never to waste another hour of my life watching that crap again. 

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