After hearing the devastating news yesterday that SSBB will be delayed until mid-summer in Europe, I decided to set out and get to the bottom of the reason why. After several hours of whining (got some pointers from Supa) to Doc and Lono, they finally agreed to pay for me to take a trip to Nintendo Headquarters in Japan for an SG exclusive interview. Those two were having so much fun gallivanting around Redmond, WA with Microsoft that I knew it would be hard for them to say no.

I arrived in Japan earlier this morning and, as a man on a mission, made my way straight to the Nintendo Headquarters. It was extremely easy to find. It was the tallest building in Kyoto and was spewing 10 times more toxic smog than any of the buildings around it. Upon entering the front door, I was instantly taken aback by the most magnificent hallway I have ever seen, colored in a very familiar shade of green. After closer inspection I soon realized that the walls weren’t painted green, they were made of green. Nintendo Headquarters is made entirely of US money!

Continue reading for even more shocking discoveries and a secret map!

After spending a little while trying to comprehend the complexities of constructing a skyscraper entirely out of money, I made my way towards the front desk, which was also made out of money. After several minutes of trying to converse with the front lobby secretary and her broken Engrish, I was finally escorted by two security guards (both of which I was taller than) through a door on the left and then up several flights of stairs and finally brought to a door labeled: Satoru Iwata - President of Nintendo. It was finally time to get some answers.

SG (Yousty): Mr. Iwata, it was -

Iwata: You will address me as King Iwata!

SG: Umm..ok. I’m sorry.

Iwata: You sorry what?

SG: I’m sorry…King Iwata?

Iwata: That better. Continue.

SG: Ok then. Mr. - er - King Iwata, it was released yesterday that Super Smash Bros. Brawl will not be coming out until after quarter 2 for Europe yet will still be released in late January for Japan and early February for America. What is the reason for the significant delay for Europe?

Iwata (obviously confused): What this Europe you speak of?

SG: Umm, what?

Iwata: Europe, I no heard of it.

SG: You’re trying to tell me that you’ve never heard of Europe, one of the seven continents?

Iwata: That correct.

At which point he pulls out the following map from his desk

Iwata: See, me happy face (pointing to Japan), you money (pointing to the US), this where kangaroos play (pointing to Australia), and all the others. Nowhere on here this Europe you speak of. Start explain yourself before King Iwata get angry!

SG: Well see, that’s your problem. No wonder. This map doesn’t even have Europe on it. It should be right here (pointing to the question marks).

Iwata: Oh no, no, no, no. That uncharted area. I hear many stories of Japanese people go there and never come back. I even hear it infested with dragons and sea monsters. Nintendo never go there. It evil!

SG: No, it’s not! That’s where Europe is! Home of the Roman Colosseum and the Eiffel Tower and unshaven women!

Iwata: Are you qwestening King Iwata?! Servants! Take him away!

I was then promptly escorted by the two guards out of Iwata’s office and back down to the main door where they tried to throw me out onto the street but weren’t strong enough.

So there you have it. The reason for Nintendo ignoring Europe is plain and simple: It’s run by an idiot.

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