Every gamer at some point has looked up to a starry night, wondering just how cool it is to be a professional gamer. Whether it’s getting paid to raid, swag to frag, staked for Quake, or major booty for Call of Duty, we all want to quit our jobs or drop out of school, to play games for a living.

One man has followed those dreams more than any other player, and we have the interview to end all interviews. Johnathan ‘Fatal1ty’ Wendel has been competing since 1996, and has won over $500,000 in tournament cash prizes. He also brands an extensive line of PC gaming components and peripherals, as well as apparel.

Sarcastic Gamer: John, so nice to finally spea-

Johnathan Wendel: Let me cut you off right there, punk. Are you Fatal1ty’s mother?

SG: Not that I am aware of, sir, no.

JW: Get this straight. No one but Fatal1ty’s mother calls Fatal1ty by his life-name, got it? It’s Fatal1ty to you, and any other scrub who Fatal1ty happens to be conversing with.

SG (scrub): I apologize whole-heartedly. Your mother must be a very sweet woman.

Fatal1ty: Oh she was, she was. Fatal1ty remembers when she took him off breast milk for the first time. She got him his first video game (Metroid) to make him feel better. Fatal1ty was only 5 at the moment, but that was just the beginning of my…er…Fatality’s ass kicking days.

SG: So how have your ass-kicking days been lately?

Fatal1ty: Fantastic. Fatal1ty’s got like 400 wild card piñatas in his garden, and 3 billion coins!

SG: Excuse me, are you talking about Viva Piñata?

Fatal1ty: You got a problem with that b*tch? Fatal1ty could school you so hard, you’d be picking garden weeds with your teeth.

SG: No problems here. I just didn’t think the game would have as much of a competitive front as say, Counter-Strike or Quake 4.

Fatal1ty: No one asked you. You don’t know me, man, you don’t know me. [visible tears]

SG: Alright, calm down. I know it’s a rough transitional period in your life right now. You’re 26 and still probably haven’t had sex. It can be frust-

Fatal1ty: F*ck you man, do you know how much pussy us pro gamers get? It’s practically expendable. You just gotta be careful of those gold-diggers. They all want his millions. That’s why Fatal1ty puts tobacco sauce in his used condoms when he throws them out. Any women try and hussle Fatal1ty, they are getting some hard to reach blisters, know what I’m sayin dawg? [laughs]

SG: Are you saying you have similar experiences to pro athletes, like the Kobe Bryant scandal?

Fatal1ty: Happens all the time. Fatal1ty thinks that women are just attracted to his natural ability.

SG: Fascinating…really. [looks at clock] Well, thanks for talking to us. We appreciate everyth-

Fatal1ty: Nu-uh man, Fatal1ty is just getting started here. He’s ready to own this interview like he’s owned 12 world championships.

SG: No, we’re done.

Fatal1ty: We’re done when Fatal1ty says were done!

SG: [Volkov walks to his car]

Fatal1ty: COME BACK WRITING DORK! FATAL1TY JUST GOT STARTED HERE!