Assassins Creed. Sure does look purty. A sure fire game of the year, right?

Not exactly… Ya see, it depends on who you ask. Some of the big money sites like IGN gave the game a mediocre score, while sites like Penny Arcade (PA) chastised the big review sites for giving it a low score.

Penny Arcade was wrong.

Find out why after the jump!

PA was mad at the 7 out of 10 that 1up gave it. Lashing out at the 1up reviewer, PA made a blanket statement: if you’re a reviewer, you probably don’t play the game for enjoyment, you just rush through the game. He posits that you’re forced to rush through the game because as a reviewer, you have a deadline and with other games piling up, they’re forced to finish the game as soon as possible. His contention is that anyone that reviews a sandbox game simply cannot give it a good review while under a review deadline.

That’s probably all true. It doesn’t matter. Assassin’s Creed is still only a 7 out of 10.

Gabe’s blanket statement and slick indie cred doesn’t make up for the fact that Assassin’s Creed is basically Pam Anderson, pre-hepatitis C. Great to look at, but once you’ve seen what’s under the hood, that’s it. She’s only good for one thing. Let’s see, you’ve got big boobs, blond hair, big boobs, blond hair, big boobs, blond… oh, you get the idea. Fucking repetitive.

Assassin’s Creed is the same way. Trav hit it on the head. Climb this, fight guards, constantly counterattack and so on and so forth. The only thing that changes is the scenery. You climb stuff and run around looking for stuff to climb in between fighting guards. Every mission is the freaking same. Talk to that guy, kill this guy, listen to those guys… It’s shallow, but pretty to look at, just like Pam Anderson. (pre-hepatitis C).

As for the story? The Crusade’s time period is pretty cool, but when you have to get out of the Animus machine, it’s like walking around in jello. It stops the story momentum cold. It plain sucks.

As an aside, how bout the facial animation for the blond chick??? It’s like talking to a mannequin with the joker mouth… Creepy. She. Doesn’t. Blink. Ever.

Yes it’s pretty, yes they’re trying to do something new, but for crissakes, the game just isn’t any better than a 7 out of 10. It just isn’t.

Penny Arcade, eff you for making me defend big money game critics.

Gabe, thanks for taking your self-righteous, albeit misguided stand, because the Assassin’s Creed Review War checks in at number 78 in our top 100 Gaming moments of 2007!

Click here for the rest of Sarcastic Gamer’s Top 100 Gaming Moments from 2007 all in one place!

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