The other night I joined a random CoD4 match and got right into the action. After a few moments I noticed that my team was full of douche bags. Not that they were bad people (they were), but they were annoying as f***. All they did the whole time was try and find clever ways to drop in comments about having sex with men. It wasn’t one of those “You’re gay” kind of comments, it was an “I want things jammed in my butt hole” kind of comments. Not in the gay pride way either.

I tried to ignore it and play the game, but it was like a broken record. Every few second, if there was even a gap, the comments came. I finally got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and I left the match before it was over. A first for me.

There has to be some way to keep this kind of d-baggery off XBL so others like myself can enjoy the fictional killing of others, or whatever type games you are into. I have been sitting thinking about proper ways to punish guys like these. I think that these are quite applicable.

• Curse them with a deliberate and vengeful case of the red rings of death. Microsoft will take extra, extra, extra long to send them the shipping box and even longer to return it. They will receive a similar looking box one week after they mail theirs off to get their hopes up. The box will contain to their dismay a huge pile of random animal feces, hopefully from a elephant, cow, or horse.
• Administer electric shock through the controller after each offense. If you get wise and find a way not to get shocked, you controller will explode. Hopefully while they are near it.
• Play the brown note loudly through their headset and speakers. For those that do not know, the brown note is a mythical musical note that when heard makes you lose control of you bowels. I say it should play through the speakers so that anyone near by also craps their pants. They are just as guilty as the offender because they did not smother him or her with a pillow long ago. It will also let uninvolved parents know there child is a d-bag.

I think that with these simple steps we can wipe XBL of douche bags. Even if they cannot be eradicated completely, they will be very uncomfortable when they do show their faces. If you are one of the above mentioned people and I have offended you, I hope the person sitting next you discovers the brown note right this second and your controller explodes after it shocks you. Have a nice day.

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