Shut Up, or Face God’s Will!

October 2nd, 2007 at 10:00 pm · No Comments

by Matt 'Volkov' Schmidt

The gaming community was set ablaze for Master Chief & Co. last week, making all the little girls and boys happy for the third time in their seemingly miserable lives. But now, it’s time to shut up. The spotlight must be burning holes in your retinas.

In order to achieve this goal, I’ve had a heart to heart with the big man upstairs, and we came up with a solution. You may not agree with it. You may even think it’s disgusting and cruel. But it’s the best thing for all of us in this global society.
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Action	Reaction
Individual mentions Halo	God kills a kitten
Press mentions Halo	God kills three kittens
Gameplay video released	God kills three kittens, then grinds their bones to make his bread
Sponsored tournament announced	God runs a kitten down a cheese grater
New Halo advertisement	God skins a kitten alive, then sells its organs on the kitty black market, making a healthy profit
New Halo-themed Xbox peripheral	God hangs a kitten with its own tail, stuffs it with candy, and then leaves it on a party store shelf
Halo 4 Announced	God just gives up on humankind and switches to a better hobby

The Irony in it all: thousands of cats are suffering because of Sarcastic Gamer. Four were killed by the end of this post. Sigh — the writing job does come with its drawbacks. But life must fall in this harsh world.

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