Massive Inc, the Microsoft owned, in-game advertising giant, has launched a new campaign called Massive’s Employer Helpline™ (MEH) that redefines the role typically played by in-game advertising. Instead of showing gamers ads for products they would like them to purchase, Massive is now advertising career opportunities based on a player’s skills and performance in their particular gaming environment. Britain’s Government Communications Headquarters (a British intelligence agency) has already announced it will be recruiting in games such as the Tom Clancy franchises.When contacted for further information, Massive Inc. told Sarcastic Gamer that the best way to report on their service was to actually use it. If there’s one thing the guys at Sarcastic Gamer love, it’s free games.

Over the course of the last two weeks, the entire Sarcastic Gamer crew got to play some pre-release versions of upcoming holiday (and beyond) titles that incorporated Massive’s MEH service. The results were quite interesting to say the least, read on…

It turns out Lono got a visit from two wonderful gentlemen that insisted he join the Russian Mob after playing a pre-alpha build of GTA IV and having his extortion percentages “phoned home” to MEH HQ. Who knew the Russian Mafia recruited folks that weren’t even Russian (or is Lono hiding his heritage)? The last I heard, Lono was taking the offer under serious consideration.

Doc was contacted by an unspecified weapons manufacturer, offering him a consulting job to help improve the accuracy of their automatic rifles. Apparently it wasn’t actually Doc’s skill in Rainbow Six Vegas 2 that impressed them, but his accuracy rating of 0.19%. Even bad examples can be valuable when you’re dealing with weapons that have annual sales in the billions. Humorously enough though, Doc was also contacted by several ammunition manufacturers to train prospective soldiers. They were quite excited by his ability to blow through massive amounts of ammunition in record time.

Volkov was contacted by the Earth Defense Force’s special unit on Alien Defense. We have one of those?!?! Who knew? The other letter he got was was a more personal hand-written letter from Ted Nugent inviting Volkov to visit The Nug’s ranch to become a “real” Extreme Deer Hunter. We haven’t heard from Volkov in 16 days.

Dave actually got accepted as a Fragdoll Candidate, without even applying. I’m not sure if there’s a new Fragdudes off-shoot in the works, or if they were confused when he was using his high voice when chatting with Fragdoll Calyber. I hope it works out for him, but I’m betting he’ll probably lead a pretty strange life touring the country with a dozen other tight shirt and biker short wearing guys (or gals) while inviting everyone to come “play” with them with coy winks and giggles. Actually, it pays, so I’m sure he’s in.

Then there was CaptainDDL, who was contacted by American Airlines regarding an opening they have for a lead Overhead Baggage Compartment Optimization Analyst. I can only assume this comes as a result of playing Tetris Evolutions 2. It was pretty clear that his time with Gorgeous Katamari led to the employment offer from New York City Municiple Solid Waste Department, which is truly a testament to how abstract the MEH program really is.

I was actually contacted by the human resources department of Panda Express, which I’m thinking was due to my wife playing a beta build of Cooking Mama 3. When I found out that one of the benefits included unlimited Orange Chicken, I seriously gave it some consideration, but decided to pass on the offer. The other game I got to try out was Rock Band. I got a call at 2:00am Saturday morning asking if I’d be interested in leading the band Steel Dragon, who was in need of a replacement member. Sadly, I think my leather and Spandex days are behind me.

Lastly, SupaSlick played Assassin’s Creed. Instead of being contacted for a job, he was simply sent a “Do-It-Yourself Assassin’s Kit” that included a cigar cutter, a kitchen knife with the wooden handle removed, a spiked bracelet from Hot Topic, a spring mechanism, black duct tape, and a long black cotton robe. The kit included a small piece of paper with “initiation” instructions that included a list of names of the editors of several other gaming related news sites such as Joystiq, Kotaku, and Destructoid. The weirdest thing was, the postmark on the package was from the town Doc lives in. Man, it really is a small world after all.

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