by Jeromy “Doc” Adams

Ungodly reports emerged from The Vatican today, where officials say huge portions of The King James Version of the Holy Bible, have been altered.”Since 2002, we have stored the master copy of The Good Book in electronic form, within the Vatican computer network,” said Archbishop Ivan Goranovich. “But despite our expensive defense network, someone managed to access the file, erasing and altering huge portions of the sacred text.”

Authorities, will not publicly divulge any details of their investigation, however one official close to the case, who spoke with us under the condition of anonymity, told us that the culprit accessed the Master Bible from somewhere within Electronic Arts’ Redwood campus.

“They changed a lot of stuff, but they seemed to make the majority of the edits to the book of Exodus in the Old Testament,” the official explained. “The altered all ten of the commandments. These guys really knew what they were doing”

Until such time as the original text can be found and restored, faithful followers worldwide, will have to adhere to the NEW ten commandments.

1. You shalt have no other Gods before me, and Trip Hawkins doesn’t exist.
2. Thou shalt not render any image on a Sony Product at greater than 30 frames per second.
3. Thou shalt not say the name “Trip Hawkins.”
4. Remember thy release dates and change them frequently.
5. Honor Thy Father and Thy mother, speaking of honor, medal of Honor Airborne comes out in September.
6. Thou shalt not murder. Blacklisting is okay though.
7. Though shalt not commit adultery. Just live out your fantasy with the latest Sims expansion pack due in stores this Christmas!
8. Failure to pay overtime wages is NOT stealing.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, although thou may, at thy discretion, edit thy neighbor’s fact book to reflect favorably on thyself.
10. Though shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house or franchise. If thou likest it that much, just buyeth it and fire everyone.

What’s next? Changing the ending to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?

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