Pre-Release Game Review by Matt Schmidt

Even before its official release tomorrow, Bioshock is wowing the so-called gaming experts in the press with a phenomenal average score. Pre-release copies have been given away like WNBA tickets, and Sarcastic Gamer was most definitely on the approved list.

My copy came in the mail last week, and my brain is about to explode with mediocrity. The entire gaming media has either blown a fuse or taken a massive amount of bribes, because this game sucks.

The graphics are stunningly mundane. Sure, it has a 3D engine, but I could not tell the difference between this and a tricked out version of Castlevania. Each individual pixel could be picked out with the MSPaint zoom function. People told me the shadows are one of the best parts of the engine, but those things creep me out so I disabled them. It also improved the crappy frame rate on my Geforce 4 MX.

While the image quality should be the only real basis of how good a game is, the gameplay is equally horrendous. Think Doom 3 mixed with World of Warcraft: advance through a claustrophobic metallic corridor, click on an ugly looking beast, and do +5 damage to it with your bow staff. Except the AI is so unpolished, the monster stands there twiddling its three opposable thumbs while you reign hell down upon it with your nerfed weapon of choice.

Control schematics? The trigger is mapped to the start or enter button. To reload, kick your computer or console hard to the right. You don’t even want to know the series of events to enter your initials.

All in all, your money is better spent on a Call of Duty 4 preorder. Or some fruit from your local farmer’s market. At least apples have substance to them.

Graphics … 6%
Gameplay … 12%
Controls … 2%
Antisemitism … 89%

Overall: 1.5 Adam Sessler heads out of 5.

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