by Matt Schmidt

AUSTIN, TX - Craig Stallworth, 23, is sitting in a jail cell after an alleged murder attempt on an eight year old girl. Stallworth has been accused of stabbing young Renee Williams with a Nintendo Wiimote, supposedly in a consuming game of Red Steel.

“This is such a horrible situation,” Stallworth said, “it’s like a nightmare come true. There’s no room to play my Wii in this tiny cell.”

Williams, who is Stallworth’s niece, was sitting cheerfully on the ground doing a Sudoku puzzle when the incident happened.

“I was writing a number down on my paper, and all of a sudden my tummy starts hurting real bad.” she explained to Sarcastic Gamer.

She looked down and saw the Wiimote’s gleaming power level LEDs through the massive amount of blood pouring onto her Dora the Explorer-branded blouse. She was rushed to the local hospital, where the device was surgically removed. Williams is said to be in fair condition, but anxious to get out of bed.

“I’m gonna f!%# that motherf!%#er up when I’m out. I’m gonna go Far Cry on his ass, only I won’t be using a controller.” said the girl.

Doctors completed the operation without charge, in exchange for the blood-stained Wiimote.

“We needed another controller for two-player Second Opinion.” they elaborated.

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